Young Writers Society

Wow, scrolling down the replies, I can sense hostility...jeeze

But, wow, Firestarter, this is really nice. Pretty much everything I would say has been said. I would like to say that I didn't even notice the lack of punctuation and capitalization; I was too absorbed in the words, the images. It completely matches the style of this poem, so, I say it is a good thing.

but my pillow is the only microscope

Firestarter wrote:*wonders why people keep resurrecting a two-and-a-half-year-old poem*

Firestarter wrote:And Ari, I do remember that, lol.

*wonders why people keep resurrecting a two-and-a-half-year-old poem*

But thanks, all.

And Ari, I do remember that, lol.

Uh, Jacko, has anyone ever told you you are an amazing poet?

This is perfect. Or the shizz (I've been using that word a lot lately...). However you want to put it. Gorgeous imagery and emotions welling up and...yeah. Just awesome.

You rock.

Officially.

Great, my eyes are welling up. This is rare! I love it, especially the first stanza.Your imagery is brilliant, and I love the contrast between lines two and three. I like the magical feel to the last two lines of this verse, but I'd add a full stop at the end of the verse. (Which reminds me, I'd like to see some capital letters, though I think this is just personal taste...)
The next stanza is great two, and I like how you drew out "smash", that was a great effect.
I didn't like the next stanza as much, it seemed weaker, but I think you need it...
The next one is good. Full stop after "eyes" and "microscope." (And in other places...you'll know yourself, and pm me if you want me to go into more depth.)It's a lovely verse.
The last stanza is really powerful. I really love it, and it was a great place to end, like they'd just stopped listening altogether so you gave up.
Overall...wow.

You have a way of writing something lyrical and beautiful, with references that feel like rain and rainbows and manchester mornings. What else could anybody ask for? You also have a way of ending your poetry with some sort of punch that sticks to them for at least a few lingering seconds. That's nice. Not everyone can do that. Most can't.

That being said, this wasn't my favorite. Although, I do have quite a lot to choose from ^_^

Favorite word in the poem, "Smash."


--also, possibly irrelevant, but I always like your poems better in their second read. (Well, not always. Mostly).

All of your revivals of old threads has made me strangely nostalgic, so I decided to come and leave another comment on my favorite poem of yours. Remember I used this for a presentation in Rhetoric class year before last? After we'd all done our presentations and gotten our grades, we swapped poems as an exercise, and everyone wanted mine.

I used to have this memorized, but now I only have a few lines of it here and there. I still love it, though. It really is gorgeous.

at the risk of sounding like a cultured european wannabe; bravo

i loved how it feels like a real person wrote it. it's hard to explain,; it just feels thast way. it's actually very, very hard to explain

well done, though. i loved it very muchly.

ps: on what you said about homework: right on

Lol, you're original one was fine, I just wanted to explain why I don't use punctuation.

Actually, I didn't read it any grammer book and it basically is a law to captalize the beginning of of a new sentence. We all learned that in like, kindergarten?

"It has to be done? There's a law? I don't think so. Actually, you don't have to do homework if you don't want. I never do mine. I can do whatever I want thanks, and that's not a very good thing to critique in a poem. I'd rather you actually told me about the syntax and and flow rather than peripheral matters such as a few capital letters.

To be honest, I think capital letters at the start of each line break the flow. It's like each new line is a new sentence, which is not what i wanted to have. I wanted each stanza as a progressive read, not to be paused at every so often. Also, I was feeling lyrical at this time and this almost played at like a song in my head, and songs don't have punctuation.

I think you may have been reading too many grammar books or something. This is know as free verse - that is, I can't write and show things how I like. If you want verse such as rhymes, don't read my poems.

Oh, and by the way, I have read a book where the writer didn't capitalize anything. I can't remmeber what it was called, but it was the diary of a teenager type thing and it fitted the style. Here, I think it fits the style. So..yeah."


Well, now I understand don't I? Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Actually, I didn't read it any grammer book and it basically is a law to captalize the beginning of of a new sentence. We all learned that in like, kindergarten? But never mind that. I now get what you were doing. Maybe in your next post you could put what you're going for. I don't crit. poems all that much because I can never find anything to really crit on. I'll give this poem another try:


You had very good imagery and it flows together smoothly. Every new sentence catches my attention in the beginning of each new stanza and I like that because it makes each of them seem unique. Also I like that you thought of each new stanza over carefully before writing it. Or that's what it seemed like. I think all of the stanzas were beautifully written and I don't really have a favorite.

Was that better?

"you know i'd dance for you
even at midnight when the sun has died
and i can't see except for your sparkling eyes
they'd illuminate my soul
but my pillow is the only microscope

you know i'd sing for you
but my vocal chords are bleeding from the strain
and you wouldn't listen anymore."

Well, I loved this part too.

"you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most "

I'm sorry, but I can't critique this poem at all. I got so hung up on this stanza...I can't think of anything else to say. It was very touching. As always, Jack--well done.

woah, thanks a lot guys. I didn't really expect so many comments!

It doesn't matter if he wants to or not, I just said that it needs to be done. I may not want to do my homework, but I do don't I? It's because I have to even though I may not want to. Same way with his capatalization. You don't see any books where the reader just didn't want to capatalize or puncuate anything do you? I don't think so.

were did you get the idea from, if anywere

nice imagery and whatnot, i mean obviously it's a good poem but i just felt that the emotions were surpressed, they weren't strong enough for me. i felt like less imagery and more emotion would have made this poem have more of an impact but at the same time i don't see how you could have done that without ruining the set up of the poem...

oh god i'm no bloody help.

nice poem.

i like the no caps thing, i think it looks much better with a certain type of poetry.

i liked this, its really good, were did you get the idea from, if anywere

Chill. There was a misunderstanding. Accept it and move on.

Jack, I love this. Jeez, if a guy were to hand this poem to me, I'd be his forever. I'd cry so hard with the realization of how I acted, but I'd definitely be his. Beautiful, hon. A magnificent piece of work.

I agree with the no-capitalization/punctuation thing. I really like that style, and it works with your writing. Now, if Mesh could get over the way I start sentences with "And"...

I also like the sma-/-sh part. At first it didn't flow, but then I read it again, and it seemed to fit perfectly. Very nicely done.

Meshugenah-

It doesn't matter if he wants to or not, I just said that it needs to be done. I may not want to do my homework, but I do don't I? It's because I have to even though I may not want to. Same way with his capatalization. You don't see any books where the reader just didn't want to capatalize or puncuate anything do you? I don't think so.
Sorry if I'm sounding snappy right now, I'm not trying to be. It's just I'm disagreeing with you disagreeing with me.

i wasn't going to say anything yet... but I disagree, I don't think he has to capitalize or puncutate if he doesn't want to.

This is a different structure than you usually do, with the repeating-like first line of the stanzas. Me likey, becuase you pulled it off.

you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most

very tranquil tone...I like it. And such great imagery...I like that too.

this is such a beautiful, rainy day piece.

my favorite lines are --

they'd illuminate my soul
but my pillow is the only microscope

Beautiful, Jack, as usual.

My favourite lines:

on the stadium grass and sma-
-sh against the advert boards

you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most

you know i'd sing for you
but my vocal chords are bleeding from the strain
and you wouldn't listen anymore.

This was good FS. It seemed like it was based on a rainy day since there were puddles. I could be wrong...?
Anways, I seem to like all the things you write so I don't have much to say. All you need to do is capatalize the beginning words and put some puncuation after sentences. That's about it...

BTW: I think your imagery was very good.