Hi,
I read your poem "Monsoon" and I came up with some suggestions for how you could improve it, but remember these are just suggestions and my opinions. First of all, in the first line you say, "a hail of brainwashed pride." To me "a hail" of anything doesn't make sense and so I can't picture what you're talking about. Maybe think about using something like, "a surge of brainwashed pride" or a gale or a gust or a deludge or a shower or whatever you want that is more powerful and clear cut than "hail."
Then in line 3 you suddenly change tense. When you say "withered and died" you are using the past tense, but in line 2 you were using the present tense with "flooding." In fact throughout the poem you continue to switch between tenses, pick a tense by either using "ing" endings or "ed" endings. This is a problem that I have when I write too, so don't feel bad.
In the 1st line of the 2nd stanza, I have the suggestion for you to change "to" to "of." It makes more sense to me that way, but it is up to your discretion.
When you say, "wrecked all our chances of being more than no-one" it makes my tongue want for something more fluid. Perhaps if you tried to change it to, "wrecking all our chances of being more."
In the 4th stanza rethink your word choice for "clouding," the word seems like a stumbling block. Try to think of something that would convey the same meaning but without hindering the flow of the poem.
Line 3 of stanza 4, completely seems out of place in the poem to me. Not the meaning, but the line itself within the struture of the poem, think about rewording it or combining its meaning with another line or something.
Think about rewording line 2 of stanza 5. Maybe use "muddy and overflowing with raging arguments," or "overwhelming arguments."
The last stanza of the poem really leaves me feeling wanting. The word choice seems like it could be better and it needs to flow with the rest of the stanzas of the poem but it does not. Your ending should always be especially representative of the style of your poem and remember to end strongly.
The idea of writing about a monsoon is a great idea to start with, but remember that part of poetry is the imagery that the use of the language conjures up in the READER'S mind. As writers we often see things that are not implied in our writing, because we are imagining the images in our head and don't need the cues from the text to see the big picture, but the readers do. When you write about something like a storm or a natural disater, even if just symbolically you need to remember that the reader needs to feel a sense of power and force that this enigmatic natural phenomenon displays, otherwise the whole scene falls flat.
Well, I hope at least some of my suggestion help you and I hope that I wasn't too harsh. I try detailed criticism because it is the kind I find most helpful myself. So, if you want to return the favor I am about to post one of my poems on the forum. Please check it out if you have the time. It is titled, "The Mask."
-Brooke (BamickAZ)
Points: 890
Reviews: 13
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