Young Writers Society

I liked this a lot. It seemed like something I'd heard repeatedly, but you actually did it in a way that sparked my interest and made me want to read it. Bravo to you! I can relate too, which made it even mroe fun to read.

Merry Writing
Bells

Seriously, my old poetry should be banned from getting necromanced.

This was very different to the other poem I read by you, the name of which I can't remember right now...
I know it's very straight forward, but I think that's what makes it so powerful.I could really feel this. I loved the use of the word "darling". I think it created a sort of tenderness which contrasted strikingly with the bluntness of the rest of the poem. It was really interesting in that it felt raw, but it just flowed so well. The short stanzas are really effective, and I loved how you isolated "One day you'll stop", as it really increased its impact.

whoa, random bump much?

But really, Jack, this isn't your best. You didn't express anything new or vivid here; and I for one felt nothing.

But I've seen better pieces that are more recent then this, so I'm not too concerned

~Ed

I thought that this was well written and I liked the irregular rhyme in the middle -

When I look into
those fiery eyes
I know you
slowly realise

but not at the end. It doesn't make such a great impact there. Perhaps if the lines with the rhymes were more than one word long it would work better but as it stands, it sounds a bit forced and unecessary.

Other than that though, your imagery is good and you convey the emotions involved well so good job. Very easy to relate to as well. Keep up the good work,

Heather xx

Romantic poetry? Not my fav by a long shot, but this seemed alright.

Very much enjoyed it, darling--it put words to a lot of things that I've felt and been told over the years. You captured the mood, the...sense of it perfectly. Only one small complaint (because this is what everone says about my poetry)--it could do with a tad more punctuation. Your line breaks are very good at telling us when to pause, but I couldn't stop myself from passing on the advice which has best served me. Ta, darling!

I love the title, cute, cheeky and then the poem takes you somewhere else but retains some of that attitude. The last stanza is kind of icky, I agree with the review that said ditch the rhyme.

Keep telling yourself
I'm nobody
I'm nothing
I'm worthless.

I quite liked this one; it was simple and yet the emotion really shone through. Not overloaded with unnecessary stuff. Sometimes it's nice to just read a simple poem like this.

i dont think you need to make
it rhyme there... try to concentrate
on the rhythm or sumthin...

Thank you.

The ending is a little weaker than the rest of the poem, any suggestions?

this poem was amazing....I loved your analogies and this line was my fav...

love is a bullet
which pierces your heart
and can never be removed.

love is a bullet
which pierces your heart
and can never be removed.

When I look into
those fiery eyes
I know you
slowly realise

love is a bullet
which pierces your heart
and can never be removed.

That phone call
Was when you were "bored".
That look
was a "mistake".
Whatever, darling.

One day you'll stop.

that is so scary... whoever that was it
sounds a lot like me... oh well you dont
wanna know about that.

anyway i love the poem... never read
anything like that before - although i
have written something sorta from the
other perspective (in the lyric section)
only thing is i dont know if the situation
you're describing is the same or not...

Thanks. That was a quick reply. I think I have some other poems in Lyric and Others if you wanna see. And stuff in most of the story sections. I *wish* I was going through this now, I think it was me just fantasising about my ex- (again). *sigh*.

Ooh la la...it was very good, and that puts into words what a lot of us feel, huh? Here's what I liked, since I don't have any crit:
*Great analogies. I really like the bullet one. You took an overused cliche and turned it into something really, really cool...hey, that's rare.
*It was just kind of free (I know this is lame but it's all I got) and obviously very heartfelt. Either you're a wonderful writer or you've been through this before...obviously both! *lol* I love it, if you've got any more I'd love to read it.