Falling into new depths

Of course it's a first draft...have I never mentioned have I never rewrite anything? I'm lazy. Anyway, you can just tell me what's wrong with it first, and then I can change it. Anything else would require thought.

Thanks.

Jack,

First Stanza:
This is chopped up, mediocre prose with just about every beginner's mistake in the book - a feeble attempt to draw a grand moral from a weak metaphor. The enjambment is weak and hedgy, as well.

Second Stanza:
This stanza is much better in comparison to the first; however, it opens and ends weak. 'What feels like eternity' is nothing new, and the way it forced my mind to finishing your sentence is arguably negative. The ending is simply too abstract. I can neither connect it with the beginning of the second stanza or the first -- you feel regret, sure, but about what? --, so if there was a connector in there, I didn't catch it, which is your fault with bad enjambment, again.

Third Stanza:
When did you become a moralist?...Anyway, this stanza is, again, hard to understand.

Overall, Jack, I like the idea, but you portrayed it in cliches -- cliches of the worst kind: abstraction. While reading it, I get a sense of regret/remorse for love, the end of time, and vague ideas that I could connect, but without your help I feel like I am looking at a Jackson Pollock painting. I suggest you trash this, keep the idea, and wait a few weeks before a re-write. This feels like a first-draft.

Anyway, keep writing; you've got a lot of good ideas, but sometimes our articulative skills need work.

Regards,
Brad

Yeh...I should probably delete or totally reword the first stanza...

Thanks for commenting.

First stanza: mmmywahh--it was so emo I almost choked.
Second stanza: it was so beautiful I almost died.
Third stanza: so heart breaking I think I did die.

Overall, even though the first stanza was a little too emo for me, I loved this poem because I could relate to it so well.

Ahhh... so many different metaphors... But they're so nice...