an experiment in something new

Emma - go here forum/viewtopic.php?t=3858 for an updated version.

Nice, I could read it without getting bored and wanting to read something else. Nice work.

I wish I could help you more, but I can't because I ain't good at that stort of stuff.

Is there more to this?!

The Serpent's Breath...ah, that's class. My ship's names all end up sounding very, very stupid.

My thing: Why does it seem that's he's the only one on deck? I mean, honestly, you Jack, of all people should know that it takes more than one person to stand a watch. HONESTLY, BOY. It would probably (I'm guessing) also be very loud, not quiet and eerily still. And someone would yell at him to get to work.

Oooh...bicorne...this is going to be nice. Very nice. Especially if there's muskets in it.

I didn’t really understand this but I know nothing about ships and you were using quite a few of the technical terms, which is good but for people who don’t know what they mean it’s hard to understand.

You describe the ship well but you don’t describe anything else – what does the man look like, what is he wearing – that sort of thing. You can get a bigger connection with audience if they can picture and understand what’s going on. I also didn’t find a storyline in this, it was just a description about a ship unless that what’s it’s supposed to be. Sorry if it is .

I didn’t understand the thing about the snake straight away; I had to re-read things to make sense of them. Like the snake bit, I’m still not sure if the snake is really there of it was just an expression.