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140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
I don't like the rhyming. It makes it seem like an amateurish piece.
I don't really like how you split up "With no one else it's a different story, kisses and everything else." It's an awkward split...
I like the "gogogo" part, because it makes you read it quickly and that's kind of the point.
Overall, this is not one of my favorite pieces. It's too choppy for my liking, and it's just... awkward.
The poem rocks all, but you need to change a few things.
1. Get rid of the 'dot dot dot' at the end of the first two stanzas. It's slow and repetitive and makes you draw out the last word in your mind (très cheesy).
2. Put commas in between the 'gogogo'. Reminds me of that Welsh town..."somethingsomethingsomethiningsomethingGOGOGOCH!" which is not good...and it makes you speed up at the end, also not cool because it makes us stop and go 'huh? that was it?'
Other than that, I really got what you were saying. It was just they way you passed on the message that was awkward.