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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
Hmm... I liked it. It seemed personal, which I think it probably was...?
For the whole bedroom thing, it seemed kind of weird when the person says that he doesn't want to go to his room, but in his next paragraph he is in his room. The verb tense changing so suddenly was kind of awkward, too. I think it would be better if the person just started off in the room, still hating the room, but talking about the dread of entering the room instead of the future thought of it.
The four fragmented photo pieces seemed a tad cliche... but that's just my own irritation.
I thought it was pretty cool... I can really imagine someone telling this story. So there will be more...?
Ah, very nice, but a bit too...awkward here:
)
'the aspect that really kills me the most is distinct lack of anything whatsoever.'
'The aspect that really kills me' says normal, average guy.
'Distinct lack of anything whatsoever', reeks of our very own Jack.
Going for too much contrast in one sentence pretty much kills the whole piece, so I'd especially work on that one. (It was the only one that needed work- it sticks out like a sore thumb, or whatever that means.