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139,503 Literary Works • 672,590 Reviews
I liked this a lot. I did get confused when she said "as if". IN the opening paragraph you make it to be in the past, but adding the modern term "as if" had me wondering whether it was in the past or in the present. Other than a few typos it was great.
Hm, I liked this. It was nice and simple: a dark night, a warm tavern, a man and his daughter, and a mysterious stranger. Great description and well written dialogue, as always. Although I don't know how many times I'll let the "broad-chested" discription slip under my radar before I call you out for it. Haha.
Few things wrong with these sentences: First of all, you switched tense to the present. (As a matter of fact, you did the for almost the entire final paragraph as well. Keep it uniform!) Secondly, you'll want to remove the bolded word in order for that sentence to make sense.
Other than the change of tense, I liked this very much. This shows great potential, and I'm looking forward to seeing what you have planned from here on out.
Your story had some spelling mistakes, maybe just typos.
At the beginning of your story, you had a line or two that were too long (run-on), and made me run out of breath when I read them.
You also had a problem with split dialogue. I have an example above where I changed one of the commas to a period. I saw a few of these mistakes. I think you need to work on that.
I think you did pretty well on writing your story, though.
Your description is wonderful, it paints a picture but i do have one issue.
Its wonderful imagery once again but i just dont think saying "over the scene" seems a little out of place. It istantly (well for me atleast) makes it seem as if there is a narater, or a reader of some description, explaining everything.
Maybe thats what you were going for, im not sure. Other than that very good, i cant wait to see more
Ah, gotcha. But still.
It's a fantasy story.
"Inside, a youthful girl"
ACK!!! NO!!! Jack! You don't need to say things twice!
If the character's a girl, then we can probably infer that she's pretty youthful, yes? So get rid of it! She's already quite a bit flat without using one of my least favorite adjectives.
'As if!'
There's nothing grammatically wrong with this, it just makes me think of...well, you get the drift. So if this is the time period that I'm thinking it is, change it a little. If it's supposed to be set in the present, then my dear Jack, you have some work to do.