White Bandit

Hee, it's okay Griffin. I was just writing this as fight practice, as many of the stories I write have fight scenes of some kind of another. I'm mostly into historical fiction right now.

And no problem Hunter!

No offense meant firestarter. No hard feelings?

Well griffin, if you notice, I'm pretty sure Jack was writing this AS a fight scene, for practice......

And Jack--thanks much, with my record it porbably won't go anywhere, but it's good to know that I have something new to write.

Hee...Hunter you can continue if you want lol! Sorry, I missed your earlier comment.

And Griffin, I've got another story called Sun Prophet lost in the Fantasy section somewhere. Don't judge me one one story.

Why is every single fantasy short end up as a hack 'n slash?

Thanks for the vote of encouragement, Mattie--I think Jack is avoiding me on the issue.

Hey Firestarter! (I know how mad you get when people write your name wrong!) I like this and wish you would write more. Like Nate said, you really do need to get more into your story before you kill off one of your characters. If you're going to do it in the first chapter at least make some kind of emotional connection between myself and the person. I think that was along the lines of someone else's critique but I'm not sure. Anyways, I think you should let Hunter continue this story if you're not going to. I'm sure you'll be happy with what we writes since he is a well know writer (good one if I might add) on this board. Hope to read more!

No. Well spotted! I have no idea what I actually meant. I wrote this too long ago to remember.

. . . can an arm be decapitated?(para.

Do you still plan on abandoning this story? If so, I'd like permission to continue/ rewrite it... (credit to you for the idea of course)

Thanks for the comment.

Yeh, it started off like a chapter and so I can see now, as I look back, that I set it up for further work, and probably later on would have fixed it. But this in the end was just an experiment and have learnt a few things from it. I think I'm better at fight scenes now, I've written a few in my novel and I'm happy with them. Thank you nevertheless.

Though there is a good premise, I feel like this is lacking something- which may, in part, be due to the fact that it is a chapter and not a stand-alone work. One of the biggest problems I found was that I was confused between who was attacking/defending, lunging/parrying, etc. I think that names would be a big step towards clearing up some of the confusion. The description, however, is well-worked, especially the action, because that sort of thing is difficult to do.

I quite liked it actually and it was really detailed and vivid so picturing wasn't hard and everything made sense, but when I was done reading it I just felt that it should have been longer because it all seemed to have happen to fast. If there was more insight into what the two characters are thinking I think it would really improve it as well because that is just a feature I like in everything I read, to be able to get into the character(s) head and understand what he/she is thinking.

that was really great but I think you have 2 make it a weensy bit clearer that they aren't actual brothers

Firestarter wrote:Thanks for those corrections.

This was just a practice, rather than a story, that's why the characters are a bit rubbish, to be honest. I was just trying to get the feel of writing an action scene.

I liked it. But remember... next time include CHOCOLATE! WHOOO!

Thanks for those corrections.

This was just a practice, rather than a story, that's why the characters are a bit rubbish, to be honest. I was just trying to get the feel of writing an action scene.

The mob had swelled to over three dozen now, with several flaming torches, a few pitchforks and the leader patting his obligatory{{{this word seems odd when used here...}}} club menacingly. They were asking{{Stronger word 'demanding'?}} for blood, stomping their feet and beginning to circle around their prey. Two males{{no comma}} stood back to back, clad in armour with white tunics underneath, held{{should be 'holding' in this context}} out longswords.

“Must we kill them, brother?” {{the first asked.}}

“Us or them, and I know which one I’d choose,” replied the second man, twirling the sword {{around}}round in his palm.

The first man just nodded. Others were flocking to the back of the group, and the pair encircled{{encircled pair}} looked certainly doomed, bar a miracle. They were perched on the top of a low hill, the grass wet with winter’s dew and the tree’s whirling in the late afternoon breeze, the sun hidden behind a cloud, not even bothering to make an appearance.



My comments; I added some corrections I found...

The action s rough and a little hard to follow, as are the characters...you mentioned this was a practice to help you wth action, tohugh, and it certainly is excellent for a practice action sequence.

Aside from adding more background, and probably a prelude to the fight, you need to describe the expressions of the crowd more. Get into the gritty details; tell us what everything about them looks like from their hair to their fingernails. Same with the warriors; describe their swords as they flash in the sun, or the dents in their armor. Allow us to be able to actually breath in the essence of the character (sounds lame, but I mean it). If you want us to care about the dead brother, then describe how they stand closely and use names other than "brother" for the two. Maybe one goes by a childhood nickname like "snotface." For instance, I never call my younger brother "brother." I call him shrimp or worm, even though he's taller than me now.

I really thought I had commented on this long ago... guess not.

It's a good story, but it needs more. Right now, I don't care about the brothers, and I wasn't concerned when one of them died. If you are going to have somebody die, then do it after you have established an emotional connection between the reader and the character. Otherwise it seems fake.

Aside from adding more background, and probably a prelude to the fight, you need to describe the expressions of the crowd more. Get into the gritty details; tell us what everything about them looks like from their hair to their fingernails. Same with the warriors; describe their swords as they flash in the sun, or the dents in their armor. Allow us to be able to actually breath in the essence of the character (sounds lame, but I mean it). If you want us to care about the dead brother, then describe how they stand closely and use names other than "brother" for the two. Maybe one goes by a childhood nickname like "snotface." For instance, I never call my younger brother "brother." I call him shrimp or worm, even though he's taller than me now.

There is some really good stuff in here, though, such as the twirling of the sword or how the one villager lunged with a pitchfork. The story just needs more development.