Young Writers Society

Good job, overall. It needs polishing, I think, but if it's part of a novel, then you've definitely got a long way to go without worrying about polishing.

"It was as if she was invincible as waves were split in two by the sheer power of the bow."

Grammatically it should be: "It was as if she WERE invincible..." and since you use the "were" again a few words down, you might consider reworking the sentence. Something like: "invincible; the waves being split in two by the sheer power of the bow." I think the first part of the sentence (to invincible) is strong enough to stand on its own.

"Lieutenant Robert Shaw stood nonchalantly on the stern of the vessel, using a golden telescope with confidence and staring at the trail the ship had made through the ocean."

"...and staring" is a little awkward. Something like: "...using a golden telescope with confidence to stare at..." sounds better.

" “That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face."

I love this. But I think that's the general agreement.

"Maybe it’s just idle paranoia. You’ve been expecting the worse ever since … the Lieutenant shook himself from his mind to find that the boy was looking at him in a curious manner. “Is something the matter, sir?” "

Great element of suspense. I think you need to split this up, though. "Is something the matter, sire?" needs to be a new paragraph.

"Someone else was flying with the Pegasus."

Great ending.

-Sarah

I'll be looking forward too it, hon. Can't resist a good historical fiction...

"topgallant" is indeed a spiffy word...

Her mainmast topgallant pierced the bottom of the merging rain clouds, while her bowsprit pointed defiantly towards her destination, wherever it might be, close to the last setting rays of the sun.

Thanks guys!

CL - Cheers! I'll like you to lok out for the rest of this and my novel 'cos I know you like this sort of thing and you read Hornblower so you can lend a critical eye. Tell me if it's actually enjoyable or not!

Sam - You said "It sounded like you were trying to show off how much you knew about the different official names of parts of the ship... I don't know. Maybe if I read it a few times it'll sound better to me." Hehe. I love the phrase "mainmast topgallant" mainly because "topgallant" is such a cool word. I could cut it out though to avoid just what you said. It does seem a bit wordy and needless. And yeh, Midshipman is a title.

Seems both of you liked the interaction between the characters, so that's a positive thing.

Well, Jack, when I read in your blog that you had a short story about ships, I just HAD to check it out. I was not disappointed. Most of the descriptions were good, and the dialogue was natural. However, I caught a few things... Hope you don't mind if I'm picky, it just means I liked the piece.

His Britannic Majesty’s ship Pegasus carved through the ocean sea like the keen edge of a knife.

The wind was in her sails and she was built for the chase; here, alone, she looked like a goddess. It was as if she was invincible as waves were split in two by the sheer power of the bow. The horizon was nothing but great depths of water, and it was all commanded by a frigate of 32-guns.

Her mainmast topgallant pierced the bottom of the merging rain clouds, while her bowsprit pointed defiantly towards her destination, wherever it might be, close to the last setting rays of the sun. There was still a light glimmer on the surface water, and it reflected into Pegasus, casting a shadowy glow onto the decks.

Lieutenant Robert Shaw stood nonchalantly on the stern of the vessel, using a golden telescope with confidence and staring at the trail the ship had made through the ocean. He moved it slightly upwards and looked horizontally behind them. There were no ships left to see, no last blurred remains of a slow convoy.

The young Midshipman Fawcett stood beside him, looking a little nervous. “So we definitely lost the convoy then, sir?”

Shaw lowered the telescope and handed it back to the boy, who had joined the Navy barely four months ago. In a way the Lieutenant had taken him under his mentorship more than the others, for he saw more of himself in the blue-eyed, curious lad. “Don’t worry, David. We’re just patrolling ahead, looking for any Frenchies that might be silly enough to get in our way. Besides, Pegasus is much too an impatient ship to sit in a convoy. What do we say?”

“That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face.

“That’s it, boy. She’s sure flying speedily today.” They had made fabulous progress since leaving the front of the convoy, free to explore the open seas of the Atlantic. He hadn’t told David that he had an odd feeling of wariness, for the boy was prone to worry, but the increasingly large crashing waves and an odd shiver on his back meant his instincts were giving him bad signals. There was something strange about the day – from the unbelievably fast progress, despite Pegasus being well known as one of the Navy’s fastest frigates, to the fickle behaviour of the weather, from sunlight to downpour. Everything just seemed to indicate trouble ahead – the impending rain clouds, the eroding weather conditions and the above-perfect speeds that were just asking to disappear.

Maybe it’s nothing, he wondered.

Maybe it’s just idle paranoia. You’ve been expecting the worse ever since … the Lieutenant shook himself from his mind to find that the boy was looking at him in a curious manner. “Is something the matter, sir?”

There was an odd silence then; the creaks of the ship seemed to cease, and the waves lulled. The sun brightened a little, despite it being dusk, and the rays glanced off the rising waves and reflected off something in the distance.

“Sail! Sail off the larboard bow!” shouted a seaman, perched in the crow’s nest. Robert’s telescope was up before the last echoes of the shout finished and it confirmed the lookout's cry. There was another ship on the water.

Someone else was flying with the Pegasus.

Lovely description Jack, you've got my attention.

Besides, Pegasus is much too an impatient ship to sit in a convoy. What do we say?”

“That she likes to spread her wings, sir,” the boy replied on cue, with a huge grin on his face.

Maybe it’s nothing, he wondered.