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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
Oh, well excuse me, Firestarter
I'm from Ohio, so I'm sorry for my Ohio-an critique
-Amice-
Well, I'm from England, we have fireworks on November 5th, and then a while after, some around Christmas, and then at New Year. So it's almost a "firework season", so to say.
Great poem! Just a couple notes...
I think that drops the romantic theme of the rest of the poem.
In the first stanza, you went from present tense to past tense, and in the second stanza, back to present.
"metacarpals"?
Is this poem about death, or what? If you mean death of something in particular, then say so.
Fireworks... makes me think of July 4th, not "December eve".
But the next line does well to point out the loneliness felt as an indirect result of others' affections.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem. The rhythm was pretty smooth and the rhyming (such as it was) wasn't forced.
Good job Firestarter :thumb:
-Amice-
Wow...how romantic. It had a really nice flow and gave you a real appreciation for the Winter Season. I enjoyed the first stanza the most.
Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent
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Weird.... I'd have to say that it was all pretty darn good (and the beginning was *excellent*) except that the last two lines sounded way cliche to me...
Eh, no accounting for taste.
the last two lines were completely sweet. The rest was so-so...
"perhaps a million strangers, all living and breathing. I can't tell them "
Take out perhaps. It sounds wishy washy, and it doesn't fit in with the tone.
"With death so eerily close I shut my senses. "
This line seemed unnecessary. It's restated what you already pretty much said, and it makes it less profound by being so direct.
"In the last few seconds before a winter sunset dies
there is warmth inside and coldness out; my "
Awesome part number one.
"I can't tell them
I am little more than a ghost, because they are little more than a blur. "
Awesome part number two.
Great poem. You got a lot in here that is really good (such as the two sections I pointed out), and it reads really well. Thought it was great.