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Portsmouth

by Firestarter



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Thu Sep 14, 2006 11:42 am
Myth wrote a review...



I don't really need to repeat anything that's already been said.

I think the start would be a little better if some of the sentences are merged together.

For such a short piece I like the fact that you've managed to give Samuel character, his bitterness of not being his father's favourite and not being notice by his father.




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Fri Aug 18, 2006 9:45 am
MRMarathon wrote a review...



I would say if you're going to have dialect you should incorporate it from the beginning.

I agree with all of the above with the "ing" thing and some parts in general. Some of it seems awkward but I think this could work so far with the plot idea and everything. It sounds adventuresome.




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Wed Apr 26, 2006 1:25 pm
Wiggy wrote a review...



First of all, I can definitely tell that you have talent with writing. You have this way of putting sentences together that makes the reader just have to read on. But here is my two cents on the story:

Thousands of people clustered together. Market stalls, frenzied shouts, exchanges of money from one hand to another. The stimulating yet invasive smell of the sea air. Shoves and bruises in the crush of the crowd. Moving past the sailors and the aristocrats, the recruitment sergeants and the preachers, the peasants and the merchants. Gazing wide-eyed at the tall masts of the warships floating in the docks. Watching the sails unfurl, listening to an an officer with his epaulettes and bicorne barking orders in the light morning breeze, dreaming of escaping out into the great ocean beyond.

This passage has great descriptions, but unfortunately doesn't make much sense to me, at least the way you start sentences. The "ings" as someone else pointed out before, do clutter up the paragraph. Maybe vary those a little bit.

Is this a novel or short story? What is the story about? Well, good luck with it. I know I'm not much of a great advice giver, but hope I helped!

Oh, one more thing. In one of the paragraphs you said "seperately." I believe the correct spelling is "separately."

Good luck!

Mary :wink:
[/quote]




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Wed Dec 14, 2005 2:09 am
Brian wrote a review...



I liked it a lot, until: "One second ye was right behind me, the other I had no idea where you went." It wasn't the awkwardness or anything, but that 'ye.' It's a very abrupt change.

'Samuel Isaac Gordon'
Unless you're writing a novel, it's best just to go by first names in a short story.

But I liked this. Reminded me of when I was two and I got seperated from my parents on the beach. Found them though.




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Tue Dec 13, 2005 10:21 pm
Firestarter says...



Ooh, nice idea Sammy :P

Knew you'd be looking at this some time ...




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Tue Dec 13, 2005 10:08 pm
Sam wrote a review...



Especially if it's an (older) guy...then that would be creepy.

Shoves and bruises in the crush of the crowd. Moving past the sailors and the aristocrats, the recruitment sergeants and the preachers, the peasants and the merchants. Gazing wide-eyed at the tall masts of the warships floating in the docks. Watching the sails unfurl, listening to an an officer with his epaulettes and bicorne barking orders in the light morning breeze, dreaming of escaping out into the great ocean beyond.

That was a rather awkward section. I'd just smoosh it all into one sentence- I think it would sound pretty good. :P




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Tue Dec 13, 2005 4:44 pm
Firestarter says...



Yeh I should remove the Sammy part, hah.

I'm undecided on whether to kill that first paragraph completely, or edit it. It was an experiment that didn't go too well.




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Mon Dec 12, 2005 11:11 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



Sammy doesn't seem like it belongs in 1810 Portsmouth.

Also, the ing-verbs that start the sentences in the first paragraph should be used sparingly, after a while it gets annoying.





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