*blinks* VERY old. But I like this.. and I absolutely LOVE the last two italicized lines. It's so.. venomous. I can picture it being said with a harsh sneer on the speaker's face. Excellent.
*looks at date* It IS old.
Well, it's good to dig up old pieces and see how you've improved since then.
I like that first stanza with counting the minutes, really seemed effective to create a sense of tension.
Faith did point out something; it seems to switch a sense of "style" in the first to second stanza. It didn't make the poem bad or anything, but it did seem to switch gears a little.
Wow, I posted this a long time ago. Talk about diggin up old threads! I hate this poem, lol. I do now anyway. Thanks anyway for the comments.
Heya fire, long time no critique, eh? Well, to start off, this was pretty good. Over all, I liked it, but you lose me partway through it. The third stanza just...doesn't seem to fit. Actually, I think you might be able to completely do without it. It just seems like there was an idea you wanted in there, but it dosent' work, so you're going to put it in there anyway. Stubborn, aren't we?
i really liked it and so what if you used one swear word it was still good great emtion to i really liked the whole thing
Well, I used the f*** word.
I really liked it and all, but one question: What language?
Thanks a lot everybody.
Myriadne, I share your evaluation of the third stanza, however, I'm a bit stuck for ideas, I've kinda lost the flow of this poem now. Got any suggestions for improvement?
very nice, thw word use is awesome over all the emotion is great I love the last bit!!!
I really liked the first stanza. Your use of language is wonderful. I think that maybe it becomes a bit prosaic in the third stanza, but that is probably just me. I'm a sucker for pretty language.
woah...this was really great! A lot of people try to vent in their poetry but don't do it correctly...forget the language! this was awesome!
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