scars and stripes

Hi there!

Wow, powerful poem. A different take, which I like.

One thing that bugged me here was the way the poem lurched around a little - your transitions weren't particularly smooth, which meant that when the tone changes it feels really abrupt and not smooth. I like the fact that you do turn the poem on it's head, but if you're going to do that then I think you need to do it in a more subtle way. Try incorporating both negative and positive imagery into stanzas before, if you want to, phasing out the positive and ending on your rather dark last stanza. That way your 'about turn' in the middle won't throw the reader completely off track.

Also, to make your message stronger you need to back it up with more effective poetic devices such as imagery, metaphors, etc. At the moment, you have a small amount, but it's not very strong or emotive which leaves your arguments a little weak, and with this theme you want them to be much more powerful!

Hope this helped!

-Amy

Oh, wow....There are a lot of countries that come to mind when reading this poem. But, I think you might be talking about the States because of the freedom part, plus your poem title sounds like a play on "stars and stripes". I'm probably wrong though. Anyway, I like this. It's simple and reads like a "slice of life" kind of thing. I like your use of imagery and as I was reading this, I could see it happening in my head. Good job!

I love the title, thye theme and the halting, disapproving, steady tone. However, I felt your imagery was a little weak and your flow stiff. You can have the oppressive tone without having to be quite so stiff and stern and the stronger the images you create, the more the poem will be remembered and the more effect it will have on its reader.

The flag blows
magestically in the wind.
Casting shadows on all
the others around it. [The third line throws the reader because it's a fragment and yet you're trying to display it as a sentence. Maybe that was supposed to be some clever reflection of how the flag is trying to show itself as being united when it's not but! It doesn't read too well and how a poem reads is very important. You can still be fragmented and halting without being quite so jarring. I'd suggest something like:
The flag blows
magestically in the wind.
But there are shadows
under her eyes.]

A nation which
fights for freedom.
Strives to aid
the world around it. [I think you need to keep the ballance of dark and light imagery. Rather than setting up and knocking down, set up in a poor light to start with. For example, you can work with fights for freedom in a much more bloody way. You could have something like, 'A nation which fights for freedom/ with rusted swords/ and weak foundations' but better since you have more time to think of lines ]

A nation founded
on the brutal slaughter
of people who called
it their home land.

It was stolen
from mothers and children,
as they were left to weep
over their lost land. [Land is a little repetetive in this stanza and I'm sure you can create a stronger image than this. Show us their culture, who they were. Who was this land stolen from? Show us the earthiness of their ways, their humanity, their natural dominance of the land. Saying mothers and children were hurt is one thing but it's much more powerful if you say Lily Donaldson, mother of three year old Eliza and baby Robert were killed this morning in a savage drunk driving accident. The little girl's body was pried out of the car, still clutching her favourite teddy. Details are everything when you want to provoke sympathy.]

So when I see the
flag flying high and mighty.
I don't see the voice of peace,
I see the scars and stripes shining through. [Very good ending.]

Well thanks for the read, I think you've got a very good poem here and I really like the choice of theme. It isn't something I've seen done before or at least, not in this way. With a few edits, I think it will be really powerful so well done!

Heather xxx

The last lines are superb- they hit well, and the play on words is wonderfully executed.

Towards the beginning, I feel that the stops in the middle of your stanzas disrupt the flow of your words. It might just be a stylistic thing, but fragments such as "Casting shadows on all the others around it." feels odd on the top. The pauses that the periods create feel awkward and distracting- I think that if you were to take them out, it would really improve the rhythm and would allow the reader to really focus on the words.



I felt like this stanza was a bit out of place:

A nation which
fights for freedom.
Strives to aid
the world around it.