Your off pitch laugh
carried itself through
dying and decaying
trees.
This was paradise.
A dead forgotten place,
that we were alone.
You sprinted to the
top of Yeoman's hill.
You stood with arms outstretched
towards this sky.
Casting hallow silhouettes
against cracked land.
The sun bore down
with pitiful effect.
The cold had taken place,
and night was approaching.
Your off pitch laugh
fell into a bleeding scream,
which carried through everything.
I couldn't see you anymore.
I ran around for hours,
every nook and cranny
upturned looking for you.
I heard you again,
your laugh. Your laugh.
The laugh carried itself
into the furthest point of
heaven and dragged itself back.
It circled for hours on end,
in a infinite torture.
I screamed aloud;
there was nothing.
I kept searching and
searching, but slowly,
your laugh faded
and I was to face the darkness alone.
I sat in the night,
with the beasts of the moon.
The moon like a search light
on the hills we had roamed.
Today, I wander this place.
I am it's ghost,
I never left you,
I never stopped searching.
If you can hear me,
just laugh and I will find you;
Through the tree's.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I do not believe you need the first two stanzas really. They are reflected upon / mentioned later on in the poem where it has more importance and is used better.
This list of ideas is a list. Which isn't good. But, the good thing about lists is that sometimes, you can break them apart and spread them across the poem to better fitting spots. Because usually, when someone makes a list (or I do atleast) it's a lot of ideas that relate to what is happening and they're put into a list because you thought of them all at that point and threw them in, without really finding where they should go.
Such as the ghost line. You could throw that in where you run around searching every nook and crany, like a ghost. That is really the only line I recemend working with because it's also the only line with some figurative language.
The never leaving part and the stop searching part, we don't need those there, because you were searching like ghost, relentlessly, tirelessly; forever. (should you choose to edit that part.)
You can tie in that description into it's key parts and remove the fat. The lines that could potentially be described by this line.
You don't need the second the moon, play with your structure and punctuation (possibly phrasing too) and see if you can tie it to both lines.
I like this description. That's all I really have to say here.
And that's done for the specific problems.
Overall:
I believe that you have some unneeded lines, phrasing issues and things of that manner, which have already been presented.
Now, I also believe you have a problem with relatablity. We don't know why you're searching for this person, why it matters so much or anything else that could give it some further meaning. Like, if this person is your best friend, or if this is a dream even. We could try to think of what this dream could mean, what in real life could prevoke a response like this from your subconscious? And other things that we could make our GUESSES on.
And that's pretty much it.
Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.
Hello
Truth here, nice to meet you. Alright, onto the review...
Nice poem here, I loved it. Love the feeling behind it and love the style of writing
Keep on writing!
-Truth-