Young Writers Society

Hey. Here for a quick review~

I'll start off with the bits I thought flowed awkwardly, because if I start talking about what I liked, I could gush on all day about how your poems are like short-stories on their own. So much depth. Simple imagery that leaves little to the imagination, and yet triggers you off at the same time. I like it!

where I stop and analyze

the contours and curls of my hair.

Alright, so I've seen the word "contours" being used in poetry a lot, but it just doesn't fit here. Don't faces have contours? I like it when people use oft-used words in poetry in different contexts, but ... it doesn't seem right. Contours make the reader think of maps, and maps usually mean mountains and rocky stretches of land. Differences in altitude, canyons and depressions. And then the word "curls" just seems to be a stark contrast against it. Curls are ... wispy. Contours are not. It's the rigid and the fluid meshed together. Maybe this is just me, but I'd like to see you use something else to describe this bit here, okay? [/quote]

a fortress of possibilities

This is very deep. You used the word "fortress" here, which makes me think of towers and closed spaces. Vastitude within bounds. Nice. I'd like to see you expand on this, although it isn't really necessary. The thought just speaks for itself anyway!

which gather on my head into

those hollow chalices which

In both these places, I feel as though "that" would sound more appropriate than "which."

That ending! Gawsh. :O I love the idea you have behind this poem -- did I say that already? If yes, then I'll say it again anyway! -- because it shows us how weak we actually are, succumbing to human nature and the narrow confinements of the world.

Well done! Keep writing!

I hope this helped.

~Pompadour

Hey there! Here for a valiant attempt at a review.

Okay, so I definitely like this piece more than I like the last piece I commented on (I do believe that that was Five Inch Heels ((yes I'm paraphrasing your titles))). There was more to it. Minimalistic, as all of your poetry is (yum), but not so bare that I felt like something was off and couldn't quite place my finger on it.

I'm going to focus on flow here, because there were a couple of places where I found it to be a little bit on the choppy side:

shows my collarbones;

those hollow chalices which

I wear with pride.

I can't figure out for the life of me if this is actually flow, or if it's word choice, so it's probably a combination of the two. The 'which' here throws me off- it sounds weird and awkward where it is, and thus distracted me quite a lot. In my opinion, you don't need a forth word in that line at all (unless you're trying for some syllable count thing that I'm missing), but if you want to keep it, 'that' almost feels like it'd flow better. Maybe it's a stressed syllable thing.

they seem to descend into

warm pools and glisten slightly

Here, I just really don't like the line break. It feels chopped a little too short, and feels stilted and awkward to read. It's not so bad leading into the next line, but those two just don't feel right. It threw me off, a little bit.

I have no shame for doing all this.

This one's just a personal word-choice preference, but I feel like 'for' might be better as something like 'in'. Feel free to totally disregard this one.

The rest of it, I really, really liked. It's a piece that packs a pretty heavy punch. As usual, I'm pretty gosh-darn in love with your storyline (you seem to have one in all of your poems), and I doubt that I have to go on a ramble about how much I like how minimal your stuff is (did that already).

Good job and keep writing,
~Ish