i.
The walls are black.
A single bulb hangs from the ceiling
Casting dark shadows over clown’s faces.
I cannot find the door.
ii.
He stands naked.
His flesh pink and tender.
He asks me to touch him;
I do not know how to.
iii.
Their bodies litter the floor.
Blood and guts spill into all directions.
I recognise only one face;
Mother.
iv.
The smoke fills the room higher
As the red inferno licks the ceiling.
I’m screaming but I am choking
As the flames burn my throat.
v.
Every book I have ever read
Is torn and nailed to the walls.
Anecdote litter the pages
And I am forced to watch.
vi.
My little sister is mounted by a strange man.
Needle pricks litter her arms like the freckles do his.
Her mascara leaves lines down her face;
I cannot save her.
vii.
I’m eight years old again in the back of your van.
You tell me you love me and it will all be okay.
I can still feel the pain.
It was always going to be you.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
I also felt the same sensation a few months back.I can identify wiyh you.very well.there was a time when fear drove me.now i drive the fear.I dont know you.i can't see you.but i can definitely feel you.i hope those dreadful feelings which drove you to write this poem are over.wish u gd luck and god speed in your future.
I liked the idea of numbering the stories, and it was definitely well detailed. However, I think the transition was a bit off. I think each layer should have an unique feature, it almost seems like 1 and 4 seem very alike and I think you should really change that.
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The poem doesn't rhyme, but that's all right, but I think it would sound much more powerful if you did. Like pain and sane. They both could work together. For example you could write, the fire overwhelms me while all I could feel is pain. All of this will make me lose my sane. Idk, I'm not a poetic guy xD.
Anyways, like I said, I'm not a poetic type of guy that reads poems all day, so I can't really give a rating to this(sorry), but I think this poem could work together if you piece it just right
Hi, Tulip here to give you a review today.
My first initial reaction to this is, I really don't know know how to respond to it. I felt so many feelings reading through this poem. Anger, sadness, a feeling of haunting. I made me want to curl up and cry. Sometimes it sucks to be empathic.
The language used is emotional, and packs that emotional front. Simple words are paired with some complex words, makes the language used very well done.
I just hoped that this had not happened to you.
Keep writing Retro,
Tulip.