Steam leaving coffe cups,
small steams like a forgotten fog.
Hands pressed tightly
trying to keep the precious heat in.
Do i disgust you?
Ham, cheese, tuna,
pasta, bread, milk,
butter, pork, celery,
brocolli, bannanas, beetroot...
Do i disgust you?
The lights dim down,
the cinema falls quiet.
A familiar trademark plays
as I hold his hand.
Do I disgust you?
Confetti falls like snowflakes
from a winters dream.
They swirl and twirl and dance,
congregating on the church steps.
Do I disgust you?
I do not have an agenda,
a desire to destory, to pillage or break.
I have a desire to live like a human,
to be able to love in my own way.
In the darkness no-one saw our hands,
but we stil pass darkend glances in case
some was to see us, to judge us,
or even to hurt us, break us, burn us.
We go for coffe,
We go to buy food,
We go out to the cinema,
we want to marry.
Why do we disgust you?
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
hey got a review for you.
I love this poem but there are some things needing to be change( this can be fixed really easy. 1. slight improvement in the punctuation. 2. coffe is spelt wrong ( correct spelling is coffee. 3. edit it more for example more lines per paragraph (even if you add one or two more lines. but everything else is great so keep up the great work hoping to see more in the year
Hey I am have a review for you
Before I do any form of criticism whatsoever, can I say how glad I am to see this poem being here. it touches on an issue which I (for obvious reasons) hold close to my heart, so I had to read it, and I am glad to see it overall.
However I do think there could be some slight improvement in the punctuation, just nitpicks really:
As someone has already said, the spelling for 'coffe' is wrong, and needs to be changed to 'coffee'. But that's nothing major, and likewise with 'winters', where perhaps it should be 'winter's'.
The one place I noted of any other problem was this stanza:
'I do not have an agenda,
a desire to destory, to pillage or break.
I have a desire to live like a human,
to be able to love in my own way.
In the darkness no-one saw our hands,
but we stil pass darkend glances in case
some was to see us, to judge us,
or even to hurt us, break us, burn us.'
This needs a little bit of improvement. when it says 'some was to see us' I think it would be better as 'someone was to see us', since that would sound better. Also when it says 'desire to destory, to pillage or break', first of all 'destory' needs to be changed to 'destroy' and I think it would be better as 'desire to destroy, to pillage or to break'. This is just a minor change, but I found they made them flow better!
I hope you find this review helpful, great work!
Dear retrodisco666,
I like the questions that this the poem highlights. The background story is told very well; however, in the foreground there are some green mistakes. I see spelling and possibly punctuation errors. Sometimes poets intentionally plave them there for a reason; I could not read into such a reason. This piece is very good at displaying the strong emotion of forbidden love, and I'm thankful that you wrote from such a place.
So. I think coffe is a spelling mistake. And winters should be winter's. Go through the whole poem and look for spelling errors and punctuation mistakes. Comb it until your head bleeds. This is your precious piece; take it and edit until you hate reading it. Also, the 'we' in the second to last line was left uncapitalized as opposed to the other 'we's. I don't understand why you did this. One last thing to take a look at: The question of the audience hating turns into a loaded question in the end of the poem. This confuses me. I would prefer reading this: do we disgust you?
Overall, I feel that this poem relayed its purpose well enough to satisfy my poetic addiction. But there are some bloopers to clean up; make sure to check each word in each line for all potential mistakes. I do enjoy the rebel taking on a larger obstacle to overcome adversity to the point of recklessness. Thanks for sharing! Peace.
Sincerely,
Z