Smog fills the once clear skies.
The blackness pools and
hides away any form of sun;
any form of anything whilst
The street run red
with blood and lava.
This molten magma which
murders men mercilessly.
It makes civilization crumble.
It makes them cry my name.
They can only scream.
My plan is coming to an end.
This once beautiful place is
now the center of my masterpiece.
The center of my defining moment;
my chance to take the stage.
I am not vindictive.
I am the creator.
I am the editor.
I am the destroyer.
Pompeii is burning.
And I just watch.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
I love the song and your poem.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
The diction of "away any" doesn't flow very well. The tongue just stumbles over it. And even for an extraterrestrial, it sounds too human (the forced feeling of poetry) to be passable. I would suggest giving that a little attention.
Not sure how intentional spelling 'run' instead of 'runs' was, but for (what I would infer to be) a translation of an alien dialect, it's pretty well done. A translator that can pull off such a good renditioning of that speech shouldn't have an error like that.
So far as the rest of the poem goes, I'm left wondering what the "name" was that the citizens of Pompeii were screaming while they died. How would they know this being's name? What would have given it away? Is this a being they're familiar with?
Just some thoughts. Not sure if adding its name in is what needs to be done, because the poem finishes nicely. Good job.
Hope this helps!
The name is God haha but thanks for the review
OK, can't bring myself to do a horrible, nitpick-y review.
So, I just wanted to say; this. is. AMAZING!! IT'S SO AWESOME! Descriptive, disturbing, slightly wrong, and very, very original. All the descriptions seem horribly real, and just the right amount of sickeningly skewed, like the person who was really there, watching their plans unfold from an envelope of flames. All the horror and misery… and he just watches.
LOVE THIS!!!!
~Curiosity(killed the)Cat
P.S.: If you can, add more to this! Like, one more short-ish paragraph, PLEASE? (*gets on knees and BEGS like a puppy, complete with whimpers*)
Smog fills the once clear skies.
The blackness pools and (This seems a bit too basic, I would have said something like ''The darkness dances to the tune of convergence/hiding away any tendril of light...)
hides away any form of sun;
any form of anything whilst
The street run red (It should be ''The streets runs red'')
with blood and lava.
This molten magma which
murders men mercilessly. (In my opinion these lines should run like this- '' This molten magma/which murders men mercilessly,/makes civilization crumble;/makes them cry my name...)
It makes civilization crumble.
It makes them cry my name.
They can only scream. ( What about, ''Their shrills is all I hear'')
My plan is coming to an end.
This once beautiful place is
now the center of my masterpiece.
The center of my defining moment;
my chance to take the stage. (Beautiful verse!)
I am not vindictive. (This verse should be on its own and not connected to the preceding line)
I am the creator.
I am the editor. (This line should be cancelled so we have, ''I am the creator./I am the destroyer...) This will help the dramatic sense and rhythm of the poem.
I am the destroyer.
Pompeii is burning.
And I just watch. (Very good ending)