The name of my town would last on your lips no more
than steam pooling from my morning coffee.
The rain beats down on the thin window panes,
echoing against the cold of my room.
Black shoes, pink dresses and dolls litter the floor,
minefields of expectation waiting to explode.
They sit in my throat;
a whisper can cause an avalanche.
I am Violet.
16 is too young to know the burn of whiskey,
but what else will help me sleep at night.
These Scottish drams of what could be,
is the lullaby my mother couldn't sing me,
wouldn't sing, shouldn't sing me.
I cannot find the light switch.
I sit in the darkness listening to the rain,
the pitter patter matching the feet of the child
I do not wish to bear.
My ovaries bleed because they are rejecting themselves.
If a transplant patient does not consider the heart theirs
the body will assume infection.
My body assumes I am infection.
Blood cells rupturing themselves and exploding,
burning like fireworks in my thin woven capillaries.
Swelling to the point that the razor calms them.
My town has a name you would not remember,
but does that mean I shouldn't say it.
I cannot say anything.
No-one wants to the hear the story of the young girl,
carving out herself to become a boy.
Music plays on my iPod and I look into the darkness,
look into myself,
look into my town,
look into the past.,
but I cannot find a future.
.
I find the light switch.
.
I grab the scissors and cut my hair.
I grab the scissors and cut the dresses.
I grab the scissors and cut myself.
.
I was born Violet.
But I am dying Luke.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Hey retrodisco666,
Myjaspercat here to review for you on such a wonderful day of days.
Ok, so to start with, wow. I really liked the concept to this poem and the art that you created the meaning is beautiful. There isn't much I feel to correct (content wise) but there are a few structure ideas I'd like to mention.
The first one is easy, the extra space after each line is a little bit annoying, it adds a clunkiness to your piece and over all makes it longer then it really seems. Instead of hitting enter, hit shift-enter to get the nice line spacing. (Unless you totally like the extra space then by all means keep it). The second thing I would like to mention is the lack of stanzas. In total to the whole work I believe you have about three, and though that wouldn't really be a problem for a shorter poem, your piece is long and it makes it kind of straining to the reader to just stare at a large wall of text. On top of that it can slow down the pacing of your poem and take from it the emphasis (<- think I spelled that right) and impact you are trying to deliver. Best thing is to break the stanza into a few smaller sections.
Alright, I think that covers everything I wanted to say, there wasn't much and the reviewer found the technical issues for you so I guess all there is left is good luck and continue writing. This was amazing.
Hey there! Wow, this poem. Just wow. As far as content goes, I have nothing to add or suggest. But here are a couple technical suggestions:
"my mother couldn't sing me," take out "me" since you're still completing the thought in the next line.
"My body assumes I am AN infection" just sounds better, not sure if omitting the "an" was intentional or not.
"thinLY woven capillaries" describing the adjective, so add the "ly"
"but does that mean I shouldn't say it?" ? instead of . to express more emotion and doubt.
Those were the first things I saw, but I really liked your poem! (Especially the last two lines)
-picklesole