My foot rests calmly on the edge,
the cars rush down below,
no-one will notice when I fall,
I doubt that they'll even slow.
The wind whips my dress,
my mother's favourite shade of blue;
The tip of the tail of a Blue Tit,
Picking up small round beads of dew.
The railings they grow cold,
my hands as white as snow.
I hold my breath, count to ten,
I lean forward, then let go...
As I'm falling through the air,
the floor seems so near.
It'll be over in a second,
it will all just
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140,164 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi there, LGF here for a review.
This was an immensely beautiful poem, one of the best I'd read in a long time. It stirred up real emotion inside of me and thats what I loved about it. It was almost flawless, with a beautiful flow, great vocab and of course the ending.
The imagery was very good, and I pictured this little girl in a blue dress, standing on the edge of a balcony or pier, with skin as fair as snow white's. I really liked the ending how it was simple but raw with the girl's pain.
Overall, a stunning poem.
Keep up the good work;
LGF
Wow. This is stunning. Your use of imagery is beautiful, and I loved the content. The abrupt ending was clearly a metaphor of her death, and I loved the subtlety of it. The flow was easy to follow, and I love the format you used in your rhyming. I generally am biased towards rhyming poems because I find them easier to read, and this one was no exception. I absolutely adore this poem- one of the best I've come across in a while. Keep posting, and I will certainly keep reading.
XOXO
The rhythm was good and clear and I could easily follow it. It was very sad, but also very good and dramatic. If you normally write things like this, you are a very good author, and even if you don't, this shows talent. I hope to hear more from you. Write more pleese
whoa dramatic :O
Nice! I like they rhyme.
I really like this one.
The end is fantastic because it makes the reader think and "left behind" with these thoughts. It's clear but it could have been any other word than the one which was possibly thought about at first.
To me, it's great as well that you provide a 'direction to think' for the reader... Hope you know what I mean, can't find other words at the moment
I enjoyed the reading.
The ending was absolutely perfect. I can't describe in words how wonderful this is. You capture the pain and sadness with a certain type of beauty that I greatly admire. I agree with the reviewer who mentioned the line talking about the Blue Tit, clarification would be great. My other nit pick is with the line "the floor seems so near." To fit with the over all theme and idea I think it would flow better if you replaced floor with ground. Otherwise, I adore this poem and its amazing ideas and flow.
I love what you are trying to do here. This poem is simply beautiful and I honestly enjoyed it. There are some spelling mistakes but I think that the other reviewers have covered it all....
I thought that you described every detail with the sweetest touch. This poem gave me the feeling of pureness. I know that probably sounds wierd but it's true. I felt as though I was having a flashback while looking into the future. I had shivers crawling up my spine while reading this delight. This was a good choice on what to write about. Death is strange. The one thing that will never change overtime it death.
In all, great job!
Can't await to see more of your work.
Hey Tiny here!
I just have one thing to add to the concerns that Rhia has.
Instead of breathe it should be breath.
Other then that it was and overall wonderful poem.
Grammar: 90%
Spelling: 80%
Poem flow: 95%
Overall: 91%
Keep writing
Hello, Rhia here to review.
First off, applause is due for the ending. *applauds*. Very clever, I like what you did there!
Moving on.
Just a few nitpicks first. They're all a bit more preference, so if you think they'll better it, great, if not, just ignore my rambling.
no-one should just be no one. Actually never mind, I googled that and realized that it is an acceptable alternative. Forgive me.
If the second sentence is referring to what your mother's favorite shade of blue is, you should end the first line with a semi'colon and not a period. Also, if the "blue tit" is referring to the bird, you might should capitalize it to clarify.
I would add a "that" between doubt and they'll.
Lastly, the ellipses. Usually you only use three, ..., and anything more than that seems to be too much.
Otherwise, I think it's beautifully written, and that your imagery is really nice and unique. My favorite was the bit about the color of the dress, how it was described.