Young Writers Society

Hi retrodisco666! You did a great job writing this poem. If Chris was a real person, then I hope you get that person (I'm not sure whether Chris is a male or a female). May the odds be ever in your favor.

I can see your honesty and sincerity in writing this poem. I think this poem is like a window to your conscience; and through it one can see the innocence of your feelings and emotions. You managed to stay away from cliches, despite this poem being a 'confession'. Actually, I had a good time reading your poem. I may have related to a few lines or so.

I read your reply to one of the reviews. You said being choppy and random is your style, or at least, the style you used in this poem. I respect that. People have different styles of writing.

From my perspective, I think a better choice of words and a cleaner approach would do better for this concept. It's like a short story made to look like a poem. Perhaps it's your style, and I respect that.

Also, I noticed this:

Where as your average reply time was 384 second and mine reached a staggering 3.84 seconds because any longer and you might think I don't care about you.

Hi, Retrodisco, it's Em101cats here to review!


Wow. Wow! How many times have I said this reviewing your poems? Approximately 495734958743895 times! (Just kidding, not possible really, given I joined not long ago. But hey, who cares?)

One little nitpick I have is when you say his cat is named Belle. Now, I have no problem with the name itself. I love that name. But you don't capitalize 'Belle' you say 'belle.' But I do that all the time, trust me!

Well. Do I have anything else to say here errorwise? Nope, don't think so!

I loved it soooooo much! Is it just me, or do you amaze me every time Retrodisco? Yep, you amaze me every time!

Keep up the great work!
~Em101cats~

Daww! So cute! This is such a nice piece of writing/love letter. The quirky little parts I found in it, like waiting for their person's replies via trxt message and even the part about being nore exposed to the light on the phone than the light outsode really just got to me. Those parts were beautiful. I do have to say that I am not a fan of the cliche you used "hit me like a ton of bricks". I think there's another creative way to say that, right? Ah, no matter the message was still vlear

I also like how you twisted it around in the end (for Chris to like the narrator).

Tiny thingy that's bugging me: in the beginning shouldn't "where as" be spelled " whereas"?

Ither than that, I think you really captured that whole idea of being love-- maybe for the first time -- so very well. This poem feels fluttery to me, just like how it feels to be in love. Bravo!

I love this. I'll probably review it for real in a month or so, but this is beautiful and I love it. Please write more. Bravo.

Lovely lovely images, especially the third and fourth stanzas. I see how this is a character poem. I completely saw your character.

On to the review:
Because this is a review, I'll be blunt. I did not like the first two stanzas. In my opinion, the poem didn't really start to happen until the third on, but the rest was so wonderful, it deserves to be recognized. I do see the necessity of the first two stanzas, like the first twenty minutes of the movie where it sets up before the action really gets going, so I'm not saying get rid of it...I guess I just wish you put a bit more figurative language in the first two or a bit more whimsy like that last stanzas.
My favorite line: I decided your smile when you stick out your tongue is the most perfect thing I've ever seen. Funny and poignant.

I'm also trying to figure out how you decided to end your lines, what significance did the form of your poem show...it kind of seems random to me, and I wish I could see the thought behind it, like it would reveal more secrets about this character...

Anyways, overall, I really did love it, how you showed the little things that make love so perfect yet frightening. Keep up the great work:)

this a good writing

Hey retrodisco666!

As CholeAB also mentioned, you did a really good job at making this love poem not sound cliche. I could understand 'I' very, very well, because you created very rich imagery for the reader and told us 'I's emotional statues smoothly. Just a few nitpicks I want to go over;

In a poem, I'm pretty sure that you gotta capitalize every verses of the poem. So, like,

[make me my favorite meal,

serenade me with a love song.] probably should be [Make me my favorite meal,

Serenade me with a love song.]

Also, I just noticed that you cut off lines a lot. For example, "...counting the seconds between my texts..." is cut off in-between the between and my, which makes it sound choppy. I don't want to force my opinion upon you but personally, I think that it should read more smoothly. Right now, it's like this; "(playing a game) Oh shoot, the wifi shut down! (clicks the mouse desperately) Hey, it's back again! Yay, one level u- (shuts down again) Damn it, it was going so good!"
You get what I mean by that?
This goes on for the entire poem. I really don't want to sound harsh, but yeah, it makes your poem sound very choppy and disturbs the line of thoughts. For some people it might be an effect that makes it better to read, but to me, sorry, it doesn't.

But, other than that, I loved it. Thank you for letting me read this, retrodisco!

Keep on writing, Mephis

I loved this poem and normally don't lie poems. I thought this had a unique way of expressing the love felt for 'Chris' without it sounding cliched or cringey. I thought the poem flowed really well but I also liked the pauses midline as this fractured the flow and helped to express the idea of uncertainty and love that isn't reciprocated. Overall, I thought this was a great poem, and I couldn't stop reading it after I started

Hey Retro!

I really like this, it's a pretty emotional little piece. You've been quite active lately, I love it!

Edit

I want to tattoo it on my chest