z

Young Writers Society



Lustful stares.

by retrodisco666


[spoiler] this is courtesy of @defyingravity01 who gave me a ton of points because she is an incredible friends. [/spoiler]

Dim lamplight illuminates the room.

Pastel light creating a metamorphic puppet show

Against the white wall of your bedroom.

You hold your gaze over the rim of your wine glass;

Red lipstick print hazy beneath those white wine bubbles

Cascading towards the top before bursting into shudders of regret.

You eyelashes cast breeze across the stifling room;

The summer heat is close and reminds me of passion in the back seat of your car.

You bed is full of a mound of clothes:

Dresses, bras and skirts create a monument to hold someone upon in the moonlight.

Or perhaps it is a funeral pyre,

For passions to burn, the flames licking the ceiling as your kisses collide with collarbones.

Outside crickets and sirens make the city’s night time symphony.

A blazing orchestra of rural and industrial colliding in the 21st century.

You haven’t spoken in a while.

But there is enough noise here to keep the conversation going.

I’m slouched in your wicca chair on the far side of the room,

Whiskey in hand.

The ice has melted and that golden liquid has become a dilutated yellow.

My shirt lies crumpled of the floor,

My bare torso heaves as I think about you.

Those voluptuous curves.

Running my hands through your straight black locks.

Kissing your naval.

But I won’t move.

I’ll just sit,

Letting the air between us stagnate and pollute,

Alcohol and sweat into this summer perfume.

It captures the moment,

But we will not take it.

Embracing the silence we just stare,

thinking about what could be.

Assuming the imaginary experience of lust

Would be better than the experience itself.

You head lulls,

I smile.

The silence ensues and we just stare.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 131
Reviews: 21

Donate
Mon Jun 16, 2014 3:42 pm
KayKayKoala wrote a review...



KayKayKoala here to review c:

This isn't bad!
There are a few grammatical errors
But I am sure that you heard this before
So I won't point them out

I was pretty fluent, if I may say so
I am sure others would agree as well c:

Keep up the good work
and smile c:
Seriously, it's good for haha
Haha sorry, I'll stop now
xD




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Mon Jun 16, 2014 1:33 am
redthefeeling says...



"Outside crickets and sirens make the city’s night time symphony.

A blazing orchestra of rural and industrial colliding in the 21st century."

Just awesome




User avatar
68 Reviews


Points: 2385
Reviews: 68

Donate
Mon Jun 16, 2014 1:33 am
Unique wrote a review...



This is beautiful! Well done! To start off there are a few grammatical errors such as in the sentence "You bed is full of a mound of clothes." I do believe you meant to say, "Your bed..." But that is a minor detail! Penlorde snagged the other grammatical error. ;)

It was very fluent overall, and it was very-what's the word.... Graceful. If you can use that word to describe a poem... I am not a poet so...

The words you use are very beautiful and descriptive and goes perfectly with what you are trying to say.

Great job and please write more!




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 270
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Jun 15, 2014 3:22 pm
Penlorde wrote a review...



Hello there :)

Alright then... First off, Great job capturing that moment mate. You did a great job relaying the scene to the reader. I love the imagery, vivid, perfect for poetry.

Okay. You know I really enjoyed reading that. Great stuff!

Few minor details:

"Against the white wall of your bedroom."
Whites WALLS sound better in my opinion.

Another thing is that I think the poem need a bit more structure. Divide it into stanzas, perhaps?
Also be mindful of punctuation that may disrupt the flow of your writing.

Other than those MINOR MINOR LITTLE details, I think your poem was fantastic.
You really did a great job... You can count on me definitely working my way through your portfolio now ;)

Hehe

Keep writing,

Penlorde




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 270
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Jun 15, 2014 3:22 pm
Penlorde says...



Sweeeeet..





The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz