I find myself in Paris again.
Lights glimmer of the river Seine.
The smell of tobacco is in the air and people are taking photos of what is behind me.
A car crash?
A murder?
I turn to see the Eiffel Tower aglow.
I turn.
I walk.
I kick the gravel under my feet as I pass police.
They make remarks on a woman passing by,
I don't catch all their words but their actions suggests she has particular large breasts.
I pull into my wool coat more and head forward.
.
There is a restaurant across the street playing Edith Piaf,
so I know the only French people inside are the waiters.
The English,
the German,
American,
Irish,
Chinese.
all speak to each in a melange of tongues,
the waiters speak about tourists.
The lights still glimmer over the seine.
The air turns crisps and bites against me bare hands.
I wonder if the tower is still aglow.
.
Love stings the lips of the young as they hold each other.
A man and woman clip a lock to the Pont des Arts.
They wistfully throw the key,
Never once breaking eye contact.
A young woman passes and takes his wallet.
They didn't blink.
.
I keep walking.
.
I find myself on streets where people are being sick.
Drunk or Ill I do not know.
The stink rises into pillars of scent,
But in Paris we call this Chanel.
I am always to wander these streets.
I will never own them,
But they have consumed me.
Un soir qui m'a rendu bien triste.
.
Japanese tourists are taking a selfie outside Notre Dame.
I look up to see the grotesques discussing current affairs.
They see all.
They saw the end of le Tour de France.
They saw Diane's car crash.
They saw them shoot Charlie.
They said nothing, how could they.
No one bothered to ask.
.
Les temps sont durs pour les rêveurs.
That famous quote swam around the world on the lips of an actress.
People post it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.
#QuoteOfTheDay
#Amelie
#French
#Cultural
#LikeForLike
But maybe she was right.
Times are hard for dreamers.
So maybe I'm ready to wake up.
Un soir qui m'a rendu bien triste,
Un soir place de la république
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
This was the most beautiful and realistic sounding depiction of Paris I have ever read. I was pleasantly surprised when your poem didn't take the usual turn towards the cheesy romanticized aspect of Paris that people always seem to associate with the country. However, the stanza that talked about the couple at the Pont des Arts was my favorite part of your poem...I think that was actually due to the woman that stole the man's wallet when he wasn't looking. I found that amusing for some twisted reason. Here is my only real critique for you on this poem:
Personally I think that the second line here would sound better and make more sense if you said, "She didn't blink." That would make the thief sound like she doesn't have much of a conscience, or that her heart is hardened to displays of love and affection. Maybe her heart was broken in Paris? Or she's sick of the Paris=Romance capitol of the world stereotype? I don't know, it's just a thought. Another reason I would recommend changing it is that you switch from talking about one person (the man) and then say that 'they' didn't blink. That transition was a little confusing. Another possible alternative to the second line is keeping the original thought but saying, "He didn't blink." You don't have to change the line if you don't want to; it's really a matter of personal preference.
Also, reading over your poem again I caught a few, easily-fixable mistakes that I missed the first time. Nothing major, but you should probably consider proofreading this again. Here is an example:
This should be changed to, "Lights glimmer off the river Seine." I also found a line where I thought you could have been more descriptive with your imagery.
Just to make sure you don't misinterpret me, most of your imagery was wonderful, but here, instead of saying "is in the air", I think that this would sound more interesting if you picked a verb to replace it. You could say that it "hung in the air" or "blanketed the air"...maybe? Something similar to what you did with the lovely line that included,
Anyways, amazing job on this! I really enjoyed how you did the snippets of sayings in French. Also, while some other reviews criticized your use of # in your poem, I thought that was an interesting, fitting choice of punctuation in that part of the piece. Another thing I enjoyed about this was you including references the events that have happened in Paris, such as Diane's car crash and the Charlie shooting. Keep up the good work!
-Hermione
Things to work on:
First off you need to remember that you are supposed to capitalize the first word of every sentence. In a poem this is important. Also in a poem you can't put a hashtag (#) it isn't proper.
What I like:
I like how you wrote about Paris, at first I thought that this would be a breakup poem but this was a nice change. I hope that everyone in the future can get past the tourist version of Paris. The version that you wrote about seems more realistic than the the prissy version I grew up learning about.
Keep writing!
Hello retrodisco666, Wonderwoman here to review your poem. I see you have written so many before this one and I thought this was very clever. Have you heard of standard poem punctuation? You are supposed to capitalize the first word of every sentence. Also the end... why do you have:
#QuoteOfTheDay
#Amelie
#French
#Cultural
#LikeForLike
I don't think that the last parts of your poem were necessary. I guess we have different tastes. Keep writing, NEVER get discouraged!
~\/\/onder
Hey. Standard form and punctuation have never been my style, but thanks for the comment!