Put my ashes in a firework.
Mix my soul, my essence, with gun powder
And send me into the heavens with a feeble match.
.
I will light up your sky.
.
As long as I can remember I had to be right.
My mother would yell at me saying not to talk back but I needed that last word.
It would stick to the inside my mouth like
Eating white cotton balls dipped in the thickest honey.
It would swell and consume me,
Engulf me in my own self-righteousness
That last word.
Eventually I would break.
Eventually everyone will break.
Sent to my room with the self-righteousness of being correct.
.
I will burn like a feeble match.
.
Somehow I got lost in the system.
My bodily functions became binary code.
01101000011001010110110001110000001000000110110101100101
Those cotton balls I learned to swallow,
The honey slipping down my throat
and those words rest in the emptiness of my stomach.
It does not even echo against my emptiness.
I have forgotten how to speak out and back.
News stories flash across my screen like new horror titles.
Death, murder, rape, a plethora of things and all I can say is
01101000011001010110110001110000
.
Finger pointing to rape victims.
They measure the length of her skirt to determine the length of his sentence.
My words are stuck in honey and I am starting to choke.
You cannot blame someone for an action they did not take.
Blame the education system for not teaching the word no.
Blame the parents for teaching that people should be nice and share
Rather than what is yours is yours.
Cat-calls ring out in resonance against the empty walls of the asylum
And yet my words are still honey.
But honey is too sweet, so I dip the cotton balls in tar.
.
010010010010000001110111011010010110110001101100001000000110001001110101011100100110111000100000011110010110111101110101
.
I want to burn up the night sky.
Mix my ashes with a firework.
Gunpowder will burn against my memory
And I shall light up the night.
Burn me with my poems.
Shred, and incinerate my words.
Bottle up my memories and send me into the sky.
I have lost my ability to speak,
But I will change this world.
You will change this world.
.
So take the matches.
Take the matches and burn it down.
Do not let anyone hurt you.
If someone points the finger at you,
Break it off.
Smash every finger.
Crack every bone in their body.
Tell them they were asking for it.
That maybe when they say no you thought they were being a tease.
That their outfits were asking for this.
Do not let their fingers enter your sphere.
Just take their matches.
.
Fireworks will destroy if pointed in the right direction.
When I was a young boy I wanted to be a writer.
When I was 15 I wanted to be a writer.
When I was 17 I wanted to be a writer.
Now I just want to do what is right.
There is no more cotton,
Just the taste of tar.
.
Mix my ashes with a firework,
And I shall light up the night sky.
And my binary code body will not exist in this broken system anymore.
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140,164 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello, @retrodisco666! I am @emeraldfox, representing the Night Furies this review day!
This poem is so powerful. You had so much imagery. I especially loved where you used binary code. If you take the time to translate it, it adds so much to the poem. I liked that I had to translate because it allowed me to interact witht he poem in a way other than reading it. Your poem flowed nicely and you had a strong meter. I was a little confused by your poem, though. What are you trying to write about? It seems like you took everything on your mind and spit it out at once. You have something about wanting the last word in an argument, how rape victims are blamed, changing the world, consent, and becoming a writer. I get that you are writing about how broken the world is and how we all are just crying for help to escape it, but I thought you may have crammed too much into this poem.That being said, the points you made about each of those topics were very well-written and I agree with every one of them.
I had come mixed feelings about this poem, simply because you tried to make this into what really should have been three seperate poems. But I also did think you put a lot of time into this, you made valid points, and had an overall great message. I also enjoyed interacting with the piece. For those reasons, you deserve a *like*!
Hello Mister !
Your work is marvelous. I can not really express how I feel.
Through out the time I was reading it, my hand was on my chest. I felt my heart changing rhythms with every line. I choked, I frowned, I gasped, I cried. I live within a society that is even more struck with this paralyzing disease of irrational and orthodox mentality. So I could easily connect with your thoughts.
The most impressive part is of course the binary code. It's unique.
I could taste the cotton balls dipped in honey and the ones dipped in tar, and I guess, that marks out how brilliantly you connected with the hearts of us, the readers.
Congratulations sir ! A very very incredible piece of poetry 'twas.
-Cavalin.
P.S. Merry Christmas in advance ^_^
Dear Retro,
I'll call this a review, but in truth it's more my thoughts on your poem. Things to consider. I hope they're helpful to you! This will be a quick comment before I head out, so I've divided up my points into a section on positives and negatives. This is of course all opinion, but I hope you'll take into account what I say, and that you find some use out of it as well.
Now, to begin!
Negatives Aspects of the Work
DIRECTION: or in this case, lack thereof. This was the most problematic aspect in your construction of this piece. Before opening a document to begin working on a poem, I always have a thing in mind I want to say, or a feeling I want to talk about. I wouldn't call it a goal, because intention is rarely relevant in poetry, if at all. Why? Well, who owns the poem, the writer or the reader? A reader will rarely know the poet's true intention upon reading a quality piece of poetry and in fact it wouldn't matter anyway; the reader will take whatever meaning or message from the poem they can find or want to find. What is important however, is having some kind of thought to work with when starting a poem. When reading one, we should be able to sum our feelings or interpretations of it up in just a thought, or a few words: 'fear of dying' or 'pollution of memory' or whatever it might be.
Think of that. That has to be the unifying thing that ties your work together and gives it direction and purpose. Something relevant to say, something the reader is interested in hearing. It will affect all the techniques and language you end up using in the poem. THIS is where I find myself to have problems with your work.
Lack of physical structure is a real detriment to this poem, and only adds to the confusion. Many young writers chase a sort of ee cummings fantasy world in which they believe rejection of any kind of structure to be artistic or fashionable. They don't think of the reason WHY, or that every choice in a poem has to be justified. We're condensing language into a much stronger and compact form. Every word, every choice, matters. I can't see a strong reason for your choice here. The speaker is addressing someone (but who? why? We never find out, nor is enough information given about the relationship to reliably fill in the blank) in a manner that resembles stream of consciousness; rambling, without direction, with little tying the language together.
EDIT: tacking this on. 'your' night sky later becomes 'the' night sky in the final stanza. Where does the addressee go?! More confusion!
The cotton wool image and the firework: these two descriptions are the two 'scenarios' of the poem, the cotton wool in the mouth (perhaps) representing censorship and the urge to rebel against it, and the firework representing a breaking free from the latter. This is your 'thought'.This could work if you chose not to over emphasise their importance.. But this is where the addressee of the poem becomes problematic. The speaker feels as if he/she is unable to speak their mind. This is then projected onto other people, e.g rape victims etc. This... kind of works, but my main, serious problem with the poem is this stanza:
This is where the confusion is at it's height. We're given something completely new to work with on top of the importance you've forced on the previous two scenarios, and the strings of sentences we're given have little to no relation to one another. You raise the issue of rape, but contradict yourself with 'rather than what is yours is yours.' What if someone claims another's body as 'theirs'? What does this line even mean in the relation to the others?
Needlessly stating the obvious. This line isn't working for your poem. Extra fattiness like this instead weighs it down. Overall, I feel the stanza does little to contribute to your original thought. It could easily be cut, and you would gain more than you would lose!
Capitalising a line following an incomplete sentence isn't necessary, therefore a small 'e' is fine! Also, watch out for your line breaks and use of enjambment, as shown after 'self-righteousness.' Though enjambment is a kind of punctuation in a poem, it doesn't mean you can forgo a full stop/semi colon/whatever where it's necessary... all the time! The following line is an incomplete thought or a fragment. Watch out for that one. Also... WHAT last word? Self righteousness maybe? It's not made clear enough.
It's generally bad practice to begin a new sentence with a conjunction. As another point, I do feel this line is too mouthy/wordy for a final line; it needs to have a resonating punch that stays with the reader long after they have finished reading. The strange binary image weighs this down further, which brings me to my next point...
One last thing: the binary code. I won't talk a lot about this as it relates to an earlier point: direction and the connection of images working together to create a whole picture. There's little context for why this was even included. It feels as if it was added for flair, but again, I feel it contributes little and instead of being prominent and powerful, it singles itself out as a kind of 'outsider image' in a bad respect.
An interesting discussion we had in our critical reading class was whether or not a reader should have to use a dictionary/google/some kind of outside reference to understand a poem. I personally believe these sorts of references should instead build upon one's knowledge of a poem, rather than create the foundations of it. How many of your readers would have had to get a binary translator to decode what you've written here? I'd say most. Does that add anything to your poem other than being an inconvenience? Not really. It's up to you whether or not to leave it in, but I feel you could write a MUCH better and well constructed poem if you focus on your 'thought' and the two images you provided before, and building upward from there.
Positive Aspects of the Work
Please don't feel that because this section is short, that you did a terrible job! I do think for a first draft you do have some important and beautiful images to work with here, but you do need a sort of prod in the right direction. The cotton wool in the mouth was a particularly powerful image for me that I do feel worked very well that you did successfully reincorporate later. I think once you outline your thoughts and meditate on what you actually want to achieve or say before sitting down to write, you'll find yourself much more successful. The final result may be very different from what you intended to do, but it helps so much to have something to build on. You obviously have a very colourful imagination and this is truly evident in the unique scenario you've presented to your readers, and this could really work to your benefit. Just remember to tame those thoughts, direct them, cut away those that may not have any relevance instead of tacking them on.
Phew, this was a long one! Hope I helped. Thank you for sharing this poem, Retro! I thoroughly enjoyed reading and analysing it.
Keep writing!
Moo
Ur rude.
Well, an interesting poem. I'm glad I found it. It feels refreshing finding this type of format being written out, a nice break to the common versions. It was a nice length too, albeit a few lines longer in my opinion. The message behind it is, however, my favorite part of this. I genuinely enjoy this.
As for the mechanics, I can see nothing wrong. The binary that you actually put in the work does draw my attention away from the words, yet it only happened a few times.
None the less, a good poem.
Fancy here xD
Well damn. This deserves a follow. At first i was not sure as to what was happening are what the point was but once you get to the end man great job! Your use of repetition and the 101010011101010 was great! The diction and voice was spot on and the topic can be relatable in so many different ways. Man i just really love what you did here. A poem well done! You have so many emotions and ideas wrapped into one little piece of work! It was powerful aaarg i am ranting cause i really do absolutely love it. you have a few places i think you need punctation and there is a few grammar mistakes.
FAVORITE LINES!!!!!!!
It would stick to the inside my mouth like
Eating white cotton balls dipped in the thickest honey.
It would swell and consume me,
Engulf me in my own self-righteousness
That last word.
Eventually I would break.
Eventually everyone will break.
Sent to my room with the self-righteousness of being correct.
Because who hasn't been there wanting that last word when fighting with a parent or with any one really.
Fireworks will destroy if pointed in the right direction.
When I was a young boy I wanted to be a writer.
When I was 15 I wanted to be a writer.
When I was 17 I wanted to be a writer.
Now I just want to do what is right.
There is no more cotton,
Just the taste of tar.
I don't know i like the use of a type of play on words? i don't know it just sounds great!
Okay i am done ranting so well done! can't wait to read more.
Thanks for the reviw! the binary codes say "help me", the second "help", the third "i will burn you". Glad you liked it!!!
That's so cool!! arg really great job!
This is really good, even though I don't know binary code and therefor couldn't read some lines. :b
The part about the cotton balls grossed me out ever time, and that really works, good job.
"They measure the length of her skirt to determine the length of his sentence.", that's my favorite line in the whole thing, it's very powerful, I applaud to that!
This really sounds like a slam poem to me, a very good one too. I love everything about this piece, the meaning and the way it sounds, it all flows.
The only little nitpick is that there's a lot of capitals at the beginning of lines that shouldn't be there, like after commas and not only after periods.
- Phoenix
Thanks for the reviw! the binary codes say "help me", the second "help", the third "i will burn you". Glad you liked it!!!