i.
I wake up in a small room
with windows that open out
onto dark red brick walls.
The floor is red and white
tile checked and makes me
feel nauseated.
I realised I was dreaming of you.
ii.
I try to open one of the doors
but i'm searching through thousands
of brass keys and none of them fit the lock.
They just jam and jutter and send
shocks through my hand.
It is then that I think about kissing you.
iii.
I decide to give up on the door
and wander down this dark and winding
corridors which lead to more doors
and even more keys and even more shocks
and I vomit considering the idea
of being with you forever.
iv.
I finally come to something different.
A window that opens out to
a glorious green meadow.
Everything looks perfect, and peaceful
but I scream as I can't
smash through the glass.
v.
I wake up panting next to you.
You snore slightly and are smiling.
I can still feel the tingle of
the shocks inside my hand.
I want to leave you
but instead I try to fall back asleep.
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140,591 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
All I can say is that this is a great piece of writing! It was so deep and had so much meaning in it and I love that about poetry. The final stanza was my favorite:
"I wake up panting next to you.
You snore slightly and are smiling.
I can still feel the tingle of
the shocks inside my hand.
I want to leave you
but instead I try to fall back asleep."
I enjoyed the irony in that in trying to fall back asleep to escape the relationship, the character finds himself in a nightmare about feeling trapped - the ending suggests a "re-set" of the poem, sending the reader back to the beginning.
Nice work, looking forward to reading more. : )
Hi there !
I loved this one.
The scene was described very well, making the image quite clear for the reader.
it gives out a sad vibe, and sympathy for the narrator towards the end.
The reader can feel what the narrator is trying to convey, the pain, the sadness and the helplessness.
You only lost a bit of the rhythm in between, the lines seemed forced rather than flowing.
But then, i also realize poems are kinda difficult. And this was very well written.
It tells a story which can have so many possibilities and it tells a story of how powerless someone in that situation can feel.
Like i said, it gains sympathy.
A very good job !
Keep writing !