Such unique angels
dance from the sky.
The spin soft and slowy,
and now here they lie.
So many angels fell
from the sky.
Now it is piled up,
clawing towards the sky.
Trapped in my four wall.
How the little angels fly,
falling onto their tomb,
which is three and half feet high.
The door, it will not open.
The pipes are stuck with ice.
The house has not food
and we are walking without lights.
The pretty little angels,
have trapped us all in.
I've gone cold all over,
frost bite has set in.
So pretty little angels,
you fall, and fall somefloor.
But beause of you they'll find me,
dead, on the kitchen floorl
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Hey. I think I'll give you 4 out of five.
Good: It had a very well laid out rhyme scheme, a good meaning/moral and it was well themed.
Improve: Proofread(check over) your poems before posting as I think you made only one or two minor mistakes.
This is fun. The concept--falling angels trapping someone in somewhere to die--is great. Fun, fun.
I think a quick proofread would take care of the most obvious errors, some of which have already been addressed. You probably want "they" in the first stanza instead of "the;" in the third stanza, you probably want four "walls" instead of just a singular "wall;" "no" food instead of "not" in the fourth stanza; "frostbite" you can use as one word (in the title and stanza five); finally, in stanza six, I'm going to assume you want "some more" instead of "somefloor"--though poetic license would grant you the option of "somemore" if you want to go that route, but I don't particularly care for how that looks.
Less obvious little things: the "it" in stanza two doesn't make sense, since you're still referring to multiple angels--you can use "they have" (or simply "they've") in place of "it is." The punctuation is also a bit of a mess in some places; stanza three in particular stands out to me. The first line probably doesn't need to be a fragment, and flows well into the second line anyway. Try something like:
Trapped in my four walls,
how the little angels fly;
falling onto their tomb,
which is three and half feet high.
I like the rhyming and don't even mind the repeated rhyme words so much, but what I think you should focus on primarily, if you choose to revise this, is your meter--particularly your syllables and and stresses. IMO, this is the kind of poem that would benefit from a clean, rhythmic, parallel structure. Try to replicate the nice flow you have in the last stanza and use that as a guide for the rest of them. Go as melodic as possible and give us a haunting little fairy tale.
Hey retrodisc i too am new to this place so i am not that good at it still i feel like giving it a try too
, again in the fifteenth line you say "the house has not food..." i think its a spelling error again as it should be "the house has no food"
like royal seal pointed out i too think there is a spelling error in the third line and also in the eight line you mention "clawing towards the sky..." which doesn't quite make sense to me perhaps if you were to explain it to me it would be better
and personally i find a ending very catchy overall i think the poetry was worth the while
Hoped i helped
Yours Truly
- Stephene
Hey Retrodisco666. I'm Royal Seal, and I'm mainly new to the reviewing thing, so I will give it a try.
Firstly, I thought that this was a really cool piece. I thought that I could read through it really well, and that it rhymed really well too. The rhyming wasn't really obvious, which I think made the piece better. The thing that I did see was that in the third line, you said 'The spin off...' where I think you may have wanted to say 'They spin off...' But other than that, I think that this is a really good poem.