Feet covered with white snow.
Sticks showing from the blanket
beneath our feet.
We walk around the bleached trees,
and over dampend leaves.
I surround you with in my arms,
stopping the cold wind from winning.
I place my face in the back of your neck.
Your chestnut hair flowing
from beneath your grey hat.
The smell of apples is soaked in
every strand of your hair. Beautiful.
I pull your pink and white striped
scarf tighter around your neck.
The soft wool trapped within my fingers.
We walked out of the woods hand in hand.
Yours covered in my gloves whilst
mine are bare.
Soft bangs are echoing in the distance
filling the twilight sky with bursts of
colours. Reds. Yellows. Blues.
I pull you close to me.
My chin rests upon your forehead.
Though I can not see it,
I can feel your smile.
"I love you" I whisper,
as my breathe freezes in the air around me.
You look up, your
warm brown eyes staring up at me.
You reach up and places a kiss upon my cheek.
The cold, replaced by warmth.
You slumped into the snow
and looked upon the horizon.
We sat holding hands,
head against my shoulder.
Watching the winter fireworks
burst into the distance
and fizzle into nothing.
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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I cannot think straight right now so I'll just say this.... Nice one..
Two thumbs up.
Hey, retrodisco! For the most part, I enjoyed. I especially liked how the mood of this piece is almost a paradox in and of itself: your tone and theme conjure a warm, cozy sensation in me, yet your word choice and subject matter suggest the biting cold of winter. Nice job. Now, onto the actual critique...
Bolded word should be "dampened." I love the phrase "bleached trees"--interesting idea and nice consonance.
The wording of this second line just feels very awkward. I understand what you mean, but I'm not too keen on the use of the verb "win" here, and I think you could find a more graceful way to say this.
This was the most problematic stanza for me. "Place" seems like such a weak verb. How about "bury" or "nestle"? That gives off a much stronger impression of ardency than what you currently have. "Chestnut hair" is a cliche. I've heard it too many times. The bolded phrase in the second last line is passive voice, and it bothers me; eradicate it. Now, this might just be me, but I hate seeing the word "beautiful" in poetry--it's so vague, an easy-out for the author to describe something.
There should be a comma after "you" before that last quotation mark. Also, the bolded word should be "breath."
I feel like I've heard that bolded phrase too often. Be more original.
Good job on the ending.
Here's the one major issue I suggest you work on: the sentence fragments. They should be used in moderation. Fragments can be employed well to heighten the reader's sense of disorientation--a jagged state of mind, if you will--but other times they can really disrupt the flow of thought in the reader's mind. So I advise you go back and decide if the use of fragments is really enhancing this piece. A smaller problem is the occasional bouts of passive voice, one of which I pointed out, which simply weaken the writing. Overall, though, nice job. Thanks for the read.
oh my word, that is so heart warming and cute.
i got such a happy safe feeling from this poem, it's so sweet.
it flowed really well and was easy to read.
i love your wording choices one of my favorites : "The soft wool trapped within my fingers." that line made me think, I like it.
anyway Fantastic job your amazing at this
if you ever need a review let me know!
~Adeera~
Thank you
ahhh! I like this. It's great. I can feel the warmth, the joy.
Imagery is one of the most important parts of poetry. You want to imagine the feeling, the atmosphere, the sound. I found this imagery perfect, to be honest. I almost felt like I was there (:
Aww!! This is sweet! I really liked this poem! Not much I can find wrong with it, other then what has already been pointed out, so...
Love this stanza,
~Rain~
Hi there-
This is a super sweet poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed it- however, there were a couple of things that I think could have been changed. Especially towards the beginning, you had some pretty basic imagery, describing things that we've heard them described many times before. I would try to come up with some new metaphors, new ways of phrasing things, new ways of looking at winter. It should also be "striped" in the first line of the third stanza.
Overall, I think that the tone was wonderfully done, and was the main reason for my liking this poem. It was concise, sweet, and genuine. It seemed pure in its simplicity. Great piece.
-Coral-
Hello, retrodisco 666...that end part scares me, but okay!
Great job, it's like a movie in my head. This is such a cute, real, relate-able story and you did a good job putting through emotions.
Nitpicks though:
I think it should be "Stopping the cold wind from winning."
You go from saying "Your" to "She."
Great poem though. It seems like your not fond of commas though.
Write on and PM me anything.