Their is blood on the rug,
on the dining room chairs,
streaked up the walls,
it's under the stairs.
Blood in the bath tub
all in the sink,
all over the sofa,
next to the spilled red wine drink.
It's all over the cabinets,
the kids toy chest,
all over our portraits
and our family crest.
It's splattered the attic,
it's covered the halls,
dripped through the ceiling
it's wrecked all the floors.
It's all in the kitchen,
Covered the sides,
all over the bread knife,
with which i killed my wife.
My wife was watching TV,
her favorite show,
I walked in the room,
and said she must go.
I grabbed her hair,
I slit her neck,
Put my hand over her mouth,
until she was dead.
I killed both our children,
their names i don't recall
killed them in the bath
and spread their blood on the floor.
I dragged both their bodies,
climbed up the stairs
watched their blood drip down,
and run through my hair.
The dog started barking,
he had to go,
put him on his lead,
and strung it up like a rope.
It's covered the house,
all of the walls,
all of the ceilings,
and all of the floors.
I leave my house,
at twenty past two,
but i take the knife with me,
because I'm coming after you.
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140,164 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there! BitterRosemary here to give you a review! Let's get started!
So, Retro, I've been following you since the second day I got on the site, and It was well worth the click of the button. You are an absolutely brilliant writer. I haven't review much of your work because I don't have anything negative to say and just posting the same positive review of "No nitpicks! great work! (well, besides grammar)" gets old. But this poem is incredible. It was uniquely haunting in the way tha tsent chills up your back, especially with the last line. Incredible, incredible, incredible!!! Great work!
My favorite part was:
"I leave my house,
at twenty past two,
but i take the knife with me,
because I'm coming after you."
Maybe because I read this at 2:15, but it was so creepy and ugggggh well done!!!
Keep it up and never stop writing
BitterRosemary
Wow, I like this, though there are a few things I'd like to point out:
Through out this whole poem you go from rhyming to not rhyming to rhyming agian and then not rhyming and so on... It is quite annoying... I throws off the reader and brings down the poem a notch... Either have it all rhyme the way you do at first, or dont ahve any rhymes at all...
Hope this helps,
~Rain~
My edits are in all caps.
Okay I numbered the paragraphs that I changed now I will tell you whi I did that:
1. I changed the part beginning of the two versus because I thought they would work better beginning with the word blood. It makes the rythming flow more and adds more description.
2. I changed the "Its wrecked all the floors," To " It's wrecked all the walls." Because again it makes the poem flow more and since it leaked down the ceiling it would have to go down the walls too.
3. I changed "its all over the kitchen... It's covering the sides" Because that part origionaly was a bit rough to read and didnt flow that well.
4. I changed "My wife watching T.V, to My wife watching television." I did this not because T.V is the wrong term or anything but television rythmes more with the other words following that line. Plus reading this I kind of get the feeling that it was a older time ago, like the faithful housewives in their pristine steamed dresses.
5. And last but not least I changed "Killed them in the bath, to killed them in the bathroom." Because it makes the following lines flow more.
Overall and even on the first read I loved this poem so much, the first time I usually read something I don't look at the tiny mistakes and even when I see the mistakes I always look at the story in poems. This was awesome
Hey hi hello! This was very good! I personally wasn't a fan of how the rhyming got weird at parts, but if that was your intention then I guess that's cool. But that aside I liked this so you don't really have to worry to much about the fact that I didn't like that part.
This poem was just so chilling. Reading it gave me goosebumps. But still loved it!
I don't think bread knives are that good for killing people, actually.
That aside!
I think you can shorten the five stanzas that you have currently to something else so that we can learn that he's systematically killing his family. I mean, it feels like you're playing hide and go seek almost... I kept on thinking, "Okay, someone either had a real bad menstruation or..." So I think you can definitely shorten that.
Also, the last stanza is pure cheese. I would rather that you came up with a different conclusion that had more power.
That said, when you finally came to the killing part, it was all right! I wasn't exactly frightened... but then again, I'm hard to frighten, so yay?
Thank you
I see what you have said with the RED CAPITALS!!!! and i appreciate them
and dark is what i do
OMG.! Dude this is kinda eerie ... I Love it.!
Its really well written just some little details that i shall point out in ..uhmm RED?And CAPITALS..!?
All set .! Good job -XOXO Imaginemymind
Great poem. Very chilling indeed and enjoyable!
The rhythm is a bit fragmented and irregular at times but it works along with the irregular rhyme...I quite like that because it gives the idea that the narrator is as unpredictable as the rhyming sequence. I love the casual tone! It makes out that the murder is completely normal to the narrator, which makes the poem even more unsettling.
There are a couple grammatical errors:
'Their is blood on the rug' - it should be 'There'.
'the kids toy chest' - this should be kids'
I think that some of the commas that end the lines should be full stops for some extra pausing time. It'll help make drama, not like this poem needs any extra drama of course
A couple of the lines are a little heavy and probably need to be cut down, as the other lines are choppy. Like 'next to the spilled red wine drink.' I know that you want to keep the rhyme here, but the line sits awkwardly at the end of the stanza.
But this poem is wonderfully disturbing. I love it as I'm just a disturbed person X3. Keep up the good work.
-TJ-