My last relationship was stagnant.
Boring, unfulfilling, unforgiving, dull.
I really wanted it to end.
But a voice in my head said keep strong,
and I tried desperately to fix it...
But everything went wrong.
.
I was desperate for that spark back.
The strike, the flicker, the dance, the burn.
Kissing him used to feel like burning
the inside of my mouth,
like swallowing hot coals
sunbathing in the Sahara.
It had become a mere summer's breeze,
a gentle breath which passes through my lips.
.
I tried to get the spark back.
I struck a match above his pillow to
get that burning passion back.
I wanted that shock of love
so I stuck our photos in plug sockets.
I wanted to feel those butterflies again
so I swallowed them whole...
I guess they burnt in the acid.
.
We broke up.
.
Last night, I had a date.
With a boy who's blonde hair looked
silver under that crescent moon.
Who managed to smell like
my favorite sweets and flowers combined.
Who's laugh sent shivers and shocks
down the length of my spine.
Who's mouth tasted like hot coals.
And I swear,
One of those butterflies started to fly.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hi, how are you?
(I apologize in the the beginning for any spelling errors: I am on my phone and I don't really get good auto corrections and things.)
This poem was clever, if I do say so. It was clever how you incorporated the butterfly thing. It remind me of when I had a boyfriend for the first time and it was crazy because he would grab my hand in the hallway and I would feel tingles in my tummy and things like that. We broke up almost a year ago because he said I didn't have a good body. I'm only fourteen, so let's just say that went right through me. Ugh. I have a problem with talking about myself too much in reviews.
Anyways, a little after I had my fair share of ice cream and romantic sob story movies, my best friend set me up on a date with a boy. So we went to the movies and I got those butterfly feelings again and I really wanted to curl up in a ball and scream and blush into a pillow...but I was at a movie theatter so I couldn't. Hurrah.
Basically, this review is me connecting, self to text, to your poem. It gets annoying probably, but I'm not good at picking out nitpicks or whatever you call them. So yeah. Have a nice day.
Hello!
A few nitpicks:
I'm not so big on the ellipses here. Maybe if that was how you were ending your poem, then it would work, but since it continues on, it doesn't work. That's my opinion but I do suggest you remove them.
Compared to the rest of the stanzas, this one is blah. I suggest you add on, or expand on it. Add more emotion, tell us how the narrator feels about the break-up.
All of those should be whose, not who's.
OKie dokie. Moving on. I LOVED THIS. Ahem. I mean, yeah it was okay. >.> But seriously, this was awesome. I loved the metaphors in this, the use of swallowing literal butterflies to regain the feel of new love, the act of putting photos into a socket to get the spark back, the lighting of a match to ignite the passion. All of that was such beautiful imagery and painted some lovely descriptions in my mind; it helped me see the scene and envision the narrator's frustration and desperation to feel lust again.
The ending was also really nice, as the narrator ended the bad relationship and found a new one, one that had lots of intense passion. I do think you should add in a time skip, like "months later, I had a date" or something like that, but it's up to you.
Overall, this was a well-done poem and I enjoyed reading it! The message was clear and told in a beautifully detailed way, and the flow was smooth and constant during the entire poem. Thank you for sharing. ^^
This story is full of desperation until the very end. It has a silver lining then. I wanted to say that if she actually did all these things (the match above the pillow, the pictures in the sockets) that's really creepy. I think she was a little too obsessed...... Run, blonde boy, run! If it's all metaphorical that's different
Sphealwithit here....
I like what you've done here (Danm you people who can write poetry) The feelings behind this when I read it seemed intense and real.
The layout is good and I cant see any spelling mistakes. I hope you keep writing things like this.
Keep up the good work..
Sphealwithit out....