Our bodies lay on the starched bed sheets.
They're rough under my skin.
My fingers are stretched towards your skin,
spindles reaching out for meaning in the dark.
The gap in the plaid curtains sends a
moonlight river down your spine;
illuminating sweat bead pebbles as it goes.
.
Since talking me down from my suicide,
you have swallowed my darkness.
With every doubt it was consumed,
polluting yourself but saving me.
I can sense it in the spaces between your fingers,
the gaps between your ribs,
the way you say my name.
.
In the darkness we lay,
shadows of one another sprawled across sheets.
I want to save you,
embrace you,
love you.
But your mirror like reflection when we lock eyes
feels like narcissistic bile.
The vomit sits in my throat with each syllable.
.
My outstretch spindles will not touch you.
They will never graze your skin again,
just the coarseness of these sheets.
And the steel of the trigger.
I close the gap in the curtains.
.
An owl screeched into the night.
He shuffled on the freshly starched sheets.
He turned over to see the imprint of his boyfriend on the sheets,
like the remnants of a ghost's kiss.
He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
The darkness was quiet again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey! It's joallover here on a very special review day! Although, every review day is special so bottom line is...happy review day!
Anyways, on to the review. Feel free to ignore everything if you don't feel it'll help, a lot of what I do is very subjective anyway. Plus, I'm pretty tired right now so it may just be me not understanding right.
First of all...I always love all of your pieces, and this one is no exception. Your topic is very captivating, the description is thorough, I particularly loved how the main description was the scratchy blankets. I feel like that could be a description of not only the blankets but life and the relationship at this point? It truly makes a mark.
One example of the lovely description you have is "The gap in the plaid curtains sends a
moonlight river down your spine;
illuminating sweat bead pebbles as it goes."
Reading this makes me very committed to finishing the poem, even just the line about the sweat made me involved.
I guess I should say some nitpick at some point. Nothing too bad, just simple pet peaves more than anything.
"They're rough under my skin.
My fingers are stretched towards your skin,"
Here, you've not only said but ended the line with the word 'skin' twice. Ugh, pet peaves like this rule my reviews.
Also, this one is a bit odd but reading this, I found the word "suicide" to be a bit too aggressive for the way that you had been describing everything. Suicide is a very blunt way to say something when you found a better way to say 'sweat.' That's just my opinion though, like I said in the beginning. Ignore every word of this if you want to. It's all about what the writer likes!
That's all I have for today! Have a happy review day! Feel free to add me to your review list any time!
-joallover
Hello! Iamawriter here for a review!
))
~
First of all I like this poem! I liked your use of personification and your descriptions!
Now, on to the meat of the review.
~
Okay so let's start at the beginning (I've heard that's a good place to start)
"Our bodies lay on the starched bed sheets.
((Lay should be lie. This is a common mistake that I even make.))
They're rough under my skin.
((I would get rid of They're, I think it would sound better this way.))
My fingers are stretched towards your skin,
spindles reaching out for meaning in the dark.
((I would write it like this "My fingers are stretched towards your skin,
spindles, reaching out for meaning in the dark."))
The gap in the plaid curtains sends a
moonlight river down your spine;
illuminating sweat bead pebbles as it goes.
((I wouldn't use both sweat beads and pebbles, I would pick one or the other.))
~
Since talking me down from my suicide,
((I would re word this.))
you have swallowed my darkness.
((love this line!))
With every doubt it was consumed,
polluting yourself but saving me.
((Use you not yourself))
I can sense it in the spaces between your fingers,
the gaps between your ribs,
the way you say my name.
((I would add the word and before the so it would be "and the way you say my name."))
~
In the darkness we lay,
((lie, not lay))
shadows of one another sprawled across sheets.
((love this!))
I want to save you,
embrace you,
love you.
But your mirror like reflection when we lock eyes
feels like narcissistic bile.
The vomit sits in my front with each syllable.
((overall good!))
~
My outstretch spindles will not touch you.
((I would use never instead of not))
They will never graze your skin again,
((I would use a period not a comma))
just the coarseness of these sheets.
And the steel of the trigger.
((Oh My GOSH THE AMOUNT OF DESCRIPTION HERE IS AMAZING!!!))
I close the gap in the curtains.
~
An owl screeched into the night.
He shuffled on the freshly starched sheets.
He turned over to see the imprint of his boyfriend on the sheets,
like the remnants of a ghost's kiss.
He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
The darkness was quiet again.
((Not sure what you wanted to convey here, maybe we could talk about it if you wanted to?
~
Overall I liked the poem a LOT! It's good but there are things that you can work on but don't we all?
Keep writing!
~