I rearranged my vocabulary for you.
.
My words were no longer my own.
Syllables used to slip slowly from my lips.
I used to conjour mountains from sounds;
the sounds you told me you loved.
Our sounds collided into a symphony
of assonance and sibilance and you,
you made me think of romance.
.
Your favourite word was digression
because you loved the way it rolled
off your tounge; like steam pouring
from the spout of an old tin kettle.
My favourite word was wander
because it implied that there were
things in this world which are not
predesigned by fate or regulation.
Since, my favourite word has changed.
I now cling to the word unhealthy;
I hold it against me like a wooden cross
and I tell myself that it is what our relationship was.
Instead of the heat of your bed
I experience the cold of December
because you were scared someone
would see us together.
You called it caution.
I call it closeted.
I call it betrayl.
I call it poisionous,
a venom which swam through
my veins whilst I walked through
winter winds when I was wandering home.
.
I rearranged my vocabulary for you.
You left me for another man,
one who you show off to the world.
Now, certain words just don't sit right in my mouth.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
This certainly is a very good poem, and the structure and rhythm are faultless to my eyes, so I won't mention them.
One thing I like is the fact you have written a love poem about gays without making a massive point over it. Its just a straight love poem, and if anything that does more to persuade homophobes than one that makes a massive point over the fact they are gay.
The one thing I would fault you on is your choice of adjectives. Symphonic sounds do not collide, and saying so conjours unwanted mental images. Rather say something along the lines of cascaded, intermingled, or seeped if you want to be alliterative. Just something to bear in mind.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
This is a beautiful poem! Your diction is incredible and I love the way that the whole thing flows. My favorite part was probably when you described digression and wander. I especially love the old tin kettle part. It really is a good poem, and I don't have too much critique for it!
It threw me off a little at the part where the woman didn't want to be seen with the narrator, but it wasn't too distracting. It seemed like a good romance up until the narrator said it was unhealthy, and I liked that transition.
Anyways, as has already been said a few times the poem is beautiful. Keep writing poetry, you're great at it!
Wow! So this was beautiful. I imagined it would be from your title and certainly I'm not disappointed. This isn't your run-of-the-mill wronged romance sort of poem, which I enjoy.
I love the story this tells, first and foremost. The only part that made me stop was when the narrator said "because you were scared someone / would see us together." At first I felt it was kind of a slip into the cliche, and very unlike the rest of your poem, but in a second read I understand it for the story. Personally I would have liked to see another reason he/she was "scared someone would" blank, but it is good anyway! c:
This has made me reconsider my favorite word. Your discussion of the word "wander" is wonderful. And it might be a teenie bit better for my reasons for loving "cattivo."
As has been said, betrayl should be "betrayal." And personally I don't think you need to italicize the favorite words, I think they have a healthy amount of emphasis in their placement as is. Italicizing might disrupt your flow a bit.
I would love to know why the other man is being shown off, but the narrator isn't. You don't need to put that in the poem because that's the beauty of it, isn't it? Maybe the narrator doesn't know himself... That's how real relationships work sometimes... Brilliant, anyway.
"Tounge" should be "Tongue".
Really, there isn't much to nitpick at. This is quite beautiful and I enjoyed it, a lot. Especially your ending. Especially the transformation of the narrator's favorite word from "wander" to "unhealthy." Especially... all of it, really.
Our sounds collided into a symphony
of assonance and sibilance and you,
you made me think of romance.
^
this is probably my favorite part. In part because it's beautiful. Also in part because I like to do things like "you, you _____" as well.
Anyhow, this was great, and I can't stress that enough. Just fix up your... two? spelling errors, and then sit back and revel in how absolutely wonderful this poem is!
Hi!
I don't have much for this poem because it's beautiful! And looking at your posts on the left as I'm typing, it's seems as though you have great experience! The description is wonderful and the reader can clearly feel the emotion that the narrator is experiencing.
My first suggestion is to italicize the important words, such as "unhealthy". They stand out to the reader more and show the significance of what the narrator is feeling.
My second suggestion is to check for typos. You misspelled "betrayal" in your work and there might be one or two more I missed.
Overall, superb piece! Can't wait to see more from you!