I have a jar of butterflies.
Would you like to come and see?
My favourite is the blue one
with the green pattern on his wings.
I love the way they flutter
and waltz within the jar.
They are all so elegant
and all have sweet charm.
I know that these butterflies
only live for a day.
I know when they sleep tonight
their colours will fade.
I am a butterfly,
but my patterning is fading.
I look out of my window
and my days are ending.
My momma says I'm a butterfly,
beautiful to see.
But tonight when the suns down,
This disease will kill me.
She kisses me softly
and sits by my bed.
I am but the butterfly
and my jar is this bed.
The finally night of the butterfly
I am finally free.
The jar has been opened
and I will fly for all to see.
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Hello! Killed Cat here. I know this is going to be a little repetitive, with so many other reviews, but this is an awesome poem and I want to help in any way I can. :3 (P.S.: my changes will be in parenthesis.)
That's all!
I have a jar of butterflies.
Would you like to come and see?
My favourite is the blue one
with the green pattern (with green patterns) on his wings.
I love the way they flutter
and waltz within the jar.
They are all so elegant
and all have (such) sweet charm.
(And yes,) I know that these butterflies
only live (live only) for a day.
I know when they sleep tonight
their colors (all) will fade.
I am a (I am another) butterfly,
but my patterning is fading.
I look out of my window
and (see) my days are ending.
My momma says I'm a butterfly,
(so) beautiful to see.
But tonight when the suns (tonight when the sun goes) down,
This disease (illness) will kill (end) me.
She kisses me (so) softly
and sits by my bed. (and sits down beside my head)
I am but the butterfly
and my jar is this bed.
The finally (final) night of the butterfly
(And) I am finally free.
The jar has (now) been opened
and I will fly for all to see.
I think it's great as it is, but it flows a little better with these word changes. Some of the lines are a little repetitive, too, which isn't bad, but this time they don't always work so well.
~Curiosity Killed The Cat
Hello! This is me again, the cat that does reviews for you, returning to review some more!
I'll be doing this stanza to stanza with most likely only one nitpick or so. Allow me to begin.
A great start! I would only recommend a comma in the third stanza. It proves that it doesn't run on. That would easily break the flow and rhythm.
Using and twice may seem easy to flow along with, and yes, it does in a way. However, it still kind of makes it sound rather repetitive.
Also, what is this "sweet charm"? Or is it supposed to be a mystery? Just wondering
This is beautiful. Although, butterflies can live approximately a month... unless you kill them of course. Besides that, how do their colors fade if they just... die or if like when someone dies, in books they say that the eyes turn dull?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. Whoa. Where are you going with this? One moment you are OWNING the butterflies (stanza 1 and all after that you say this in first person inside the owner... what?) the next you're the butterfly. Tell me, how does this magic occur? To create a logical, yet mythical and a magic-like sense type of poem, stick with one subject. Don't go off making some different chapter. That's a completely different story.
Not only that, I have a small nitpick. Last line, "and my days are ending" won't make much flow or rhythm here. Try squeezing a "that" in between and and my.
So now you start this huge mistake that causes the other three stanzas to mess up too. *facepalm*.
The poem was nice, but you should start fixing this up. I believe that you don't need the ENTIRE 4-7 stanzas. The rest is fine just the way it is (plus my suggestions).
That pretty much wraps it up (I'm not going to bother with the other stanzas... no offence!). This has a lot of potential, and it just seems to have that probably where it's too long.
Keep writing, and have fun while you're at it!
Actually, the whole poem is pretty much just a great and glorious way of saying that this little kid is finding him/herself like a dying captured butterfly.
The poor child is hopefully not literally growing antenna, just realizing that, like the pet bugs that they always caught, she/he is pretty much already dead. Sad to the extent of grieving for 40 years, but not literal.
My edits are in all caps.
" I have a jar of butterflies.
would you like to come and see?
My favorite is this blue one with green patterns on his wings.
I love the way they flutter
and waltz within the jar.
They are all so elegant
and all have sweet charm.
I know that these butterflies
only live for ONE day.
I know when they sleep tonight
their color will fade AWAY.
I am a butterfly
but my PATTERN is fading.
I look out the window
and my days are ending.
My momma says I'm a butterfly.
Beautifyl to see.
But tonight as the sun GOES down,
The disease will SLOWLY kill me.
She kisses me softly
and sits by my bed.
I am but A butterfly
and my jar is this bed.
The FINAL night of the butterfly
I am finally free.
The has been opened
and I will fly for all to see."
* Snickerdooly claps*
I really enjoyed that poem! It was sweet and sad, at first it seems just about a bunch of butterflies you caught but then you BOOM are suddenly a butterfly yourself waiting for the end of your days.
Job well done and I will make it a job to go look at your other peices, Thanks for posting! I will always remember this poem!
Snickerdooly
I found this beautiful. I couldn't say exactly why, it's hard to pinpoint that in a poem sometimes, but I really did. I'd love to see it in a bit more free-flowing form, just because occasionally it felt like you had this brilliant line or concept, but had to constrain it to a certain line and stanza length.
My favorite stanza was the fourth:
I am a butterfly,
but my patterning is fading.
I look out of my window
and my days are ending.
...especially those first two lines. Something in your use of 'patterning' instead of 'colors' or 'brightness' or some other slightly more cliched concept, made it fresh and, abruptly, a little tragic. It jarred me, in a good way, and really opened up the emotion in the poem for me. My patterning is fading.
Overall, great job
I LOVE this poem. It's so sad and full of beautiful imagery. You need to work on the grammar a bit, but apart from that I thought it was WONDERFUL!
Wow, Just Wow... Okay, while reading this, I began to thing "this is nice, a poem about a beautiful butterfly that will have its beauty fade it in time of its death" then I get farther in and see, BAM, a poem that is very emotional and deep, very great to read.
Other then I spelling errors that have already been mentioned, I can't find anything wrong...
Great Job,
~Rain~
Hey buddy!
This poem was so sweet. I like how you portrayed yourself as the butterfly. That is clever. It's like a children's story. I admit, the end stanza I think where you talked about how you will fly caught me off guard because I thought you were supposed to die and stay in the jar. But the things that catch a person off guard is the best thing to do. It keeps you unpredictable and if I was a publisher, I would say being unpredictable is what I would look for in a person I am searching for. I think this story is like the story 'The Bells' by Edgar Allan Poe. Your using the periods of time in your piece and in stanzas. Good job! I don't see that a lot i writers and I think you should keep it up. Keep me posted on when you have a new story/piece so I can read! =)
*Liked
This was very strong emotionally. When I was first reading, I thought, "Oh, a cute little poem about a butterfly." I was surprised by the depth of the idea, a complex story that you portrayed so simply and with such innocence. There were parts that were weaker than others, but I really did like the emotion that radiated from this sad but beautiful little piece. I don't have enough words to describe how much I liked this, especially the way you managed to make this incredibly relateable (at least to me).
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Good work on this poem, it is very nice and meaningful.
I think it would sound better to put "pattern" instead of "patterning", or maybe "patterns are fading".
"Then finally night, of the butterfly", or "The final night of the butterfly".
The beginning was strong and I really like how you use the image of a butterfly.
Great work!
I think that perhaps you could work on the flow in the last stanza.. it threw me off, as it was a bit disrupted by too many syllables. Overall, this was a very sweet, simple, and emotional poem. Very well done.