I sit down at my table,
Pen poised and ready to write.
"You always were so good with words"
Mrs Jenkins words swill in my mind like a well fit to burst,
"Will you write Ashleigh's obituary?"
A loaded barrel pressed to the roof of my mouth as I mutter yes.
.
Draft 1
Ashleigh was a girl who was always smiling...
I scratch out the words as its lies written before me,
She smiled yes, but they were the teeth of her demons beneath her pale and trembling lips.
.
Draft 2
My and Ashleigh were so close we'd just wander to each other's house,
without a single knock.
I guess that's why I was the first to find her
hanging from the ceiling, coarse rope tight around her neck.
The truth stared back at me.
Ink written across the paper,
Black and white,
Staring back up into my mind.
The image permanently engraved into my brain cells.
Her mascara had run,
I guess she had cried.
.
Draft 3
I hope you rot in hell you selfish girl.
Too brutal,
I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking it.
I know I don't mean it either.
I remember when she showed me her poetry,
Or at least that's what I call it
Because only a poet writes with the much pain
But she choose a razor over a biro.
The lines and stanzas along her arms
Writing epics I would never begin to comprehend.
.
Draft 4.
It seems like yesterday that we were dancing around her room to Taylor swift...
It does actually,
but it was actually fourteen days,
an autopsy,
three days blacked outs and as many nights ago.
You sang "are we out of the woods yet?" At the top of your lungs,
I'm sorry,
I didn't realise it was a question for me.
.
Draft 5
...
I guess that's all I can say.
Ashleigh was my best friend,
She didn't have the best run on the earth.
Abused by her tormentors,
some of which screamed inside her head.
She bled to change the colour of the oceans to make a difference.
And you did, to me.
I'm sorry mrs Jenkins.
Yes I've always been good at writing.
But never at defeat,
So the only thing fitting to say is,
Nothing.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey retro! This caught my eye as a huge unashamed Swiftie so I thought I would review it.
I like the format. One thing that bothered me though were the inconsistencies with grammar and proofreading that the people below me have pointed out. It's not like you, so I was a bit surprised. I know people say that grammar and punctuation don't matter in poetry, but you need to make a conscious decision to make them not matter and not to use them. Here it's just inconsistent, and there are misspellings all over the shop too. Fine-tooth comb and get all of those out.
I like the story and some of the images are so heartbreaking. I really liked that central image of singing along to a pop song - or is it more? And a lot of the others as well. And the format works well, the way every stanza starts with this big bold statement and begins to explore the minutiae of the aftermath of an untimely death. I like how each one struck a different note - fake happiness, nostalgia, anger, regret and acceptance. I thought that was clever. I liked the different stream of consciousness and the sudden halt.
Loved the image of shouting the lyrics to Out of the Woods, it immediately drew me in.
I think the last stanza was your weakest, and that the last couple of lines could have packed more of a punch.
Also who is Mrs Jenkins? A mother? A schoolteacher? A counsellor? I was confused at the part she had to play in the story.
That's it probably! Don't know how helpful this is.
-Stella x
Okay so
I really want to like this. I like the topic, but it's completely riddled with simple errors. Which is actually really surprising considering I've been reading your work since the beginning and I've never seen this many errors. I'm gonna focus on those, then we'll talk content.
incorrect. Should be "I scratch out the lies written before me.
Ashleigh and I*
This makes no sense at all.
You keep switching back and forth between calling the girl "her" or "you". You packs more of a punch, but it's up to you which one you chose.
I don't even understand what you're trying to say here.
You're doing it again.
Mrs. Jenkins*
Okay, like I said, I want to like this. I want this to punch me in the gut and make me feel something, but it doesn't. It feels like you're forcing what you say, it feels like you don't actually mean it. You're skating over it, you don't really touch on the hurt and the rawness you should feel. There should be a raw feeling that I'm just not getting here.
Now, don't misinterpret me. Raw does not mean full of errors, or that it shouldn't make sense. So you need to find a common ground between raw and not working and write your poem from that ground. If I were you, I would rewrite the entire thing. There are some lines that are quite nice, however. Like the line about the demon teeth, I really really enjoyed that line, and I wish you had kept that flavor throughout the poem.
Mentioning taylor swift seemed a little silly to me. I get what you were trying to achieve, but it would have been so much more poignant if you had Ashleigh ask the narrator that question instead of having them sing a pop song.
Something like this should be poignant or just comes across as silly.
I wish you luck! All the best.
Sparkles
Hey, yo, retrodisco666! Strange here on this fantastic day and I have a review for you!
I've been a fan of your poems for a while now. They usually provide commentary that not much other poems can bring and this raw emotion. There was a period of time, actually, when I wasn't a big fan of your poetry for its theme, delivery, all that. That was until your most recent poem about trigger warnings blew me away. To see you posted a new poem, I wanted to find out if you followed it up well. Did you? Let's see.
First off, it should be "loaded", not "load". I find this to be the second funniest line in the whole poem for its sense of irony. I'll go into it later, but in a sense, it was pretty smart. Just a quirky technique that helped elevate the emotion in the work. Which is a mighty good thing.
This felt generic, I have to admit, but I can see why. You talked about her demons and such, which is a very common trait in poetry covering such topics as suicide. It felt like a starter, in a sense. It feels like you are talking throughout this whole poem. Talking to the audience about the struggle there is to write this. You have a voice. Sometimes it's not the best and a bit too snarky, but a voice is what makes a poem good.
The brutal honesty throughout this whole work is evident. It helps make it more pure and natural. The way you set it up to this line was good. I think the problem I have, the biggest problem, is that you're a bit too bitter. I'll go into it later.
The thing about bitter poetry is fault about the narrator. You're calling this girl selfish, being rash, and just hard on her overall. I'll connect it later, but it's smart. Well, it's good.
This was oddly depressing, raw, and just packs a punch at the fault of the narrator. It seems that the narrator is double thinking, thinking that they could have done something. Or that Ashleigh is a sad sack. Something about that just hits home.
Writing the obituary would be a sense of suicide for the narrator. Writing it would pull the trigger that would blow your brains out. Attempts at writing it, and they wussed out of "wuss out". Hide your emotions, face it. Don't be selfish, in a sense. Just take the gun out of your mouth and realize defeat.
That right there is something most poems don't give. You end it with a punch, and just an overwhelming sense of emotional that is suiting. Sure, this may be a bit too edgy, but it fits. Retro, I give you props. You have managed to write two straight poems to overall impress me. Thought his poem isn't as good as he former, it still has strength.
Good job, keep writing, and stay groovy!
Thank you very much!