I am not an alcoholic.
People tell me I have a problem
Because I kiss Gordon and Jack hard on their cold hard lips.
The ice breaks my teeth
And causes me to slur my words when I speak to people;
Like a thug in a bar fights and pink scars on his neck
I am a victim of their kisses.
I am not an alcoholic.
.
People say introvert like a swear word.
They say it like I should be on my knees begging someone
For forgiveness, for confidence, for the ability to use my voice.
I do not hate people.
But I do not like people.
I am the quiet one,
I lock myself up with a good book rather than
Traverse the sticky floors of a club at 2 a.m.
I am not one to be the life of the party,
I sit in the corner and watch with my lemonade.
I am a hufflepuff in the slytherin common room;
Quiet and pensive but as long as no-one sees me I am fine.
I am not an alcoholic.
But when the bottle is empty,
My throat is full.
It burns with the words I can say.
I can be the life of the party,
I can talk to people.
My fear that they judge me and will hurt me
Vanishes with the empty glass I put down.
My book corner is folded over as I actually talk to friends,
Because my stomach is swilling with distilled spirits
And I am confident.
They say you cannot buy confidence,
But a bottle of wine is only four pounds so it’s the same thing.
.
You ask me if I have a problem.
You ask me if I am an alcoholic.
How do I tell you that I don’t
That this is the only way I get a voice.
That this is the only way I can tell you I love you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
gives me the sheer joy of reading good poetry after so long!as i too am something of an introvert,i can identify with the character.
As an introvert (though not an alcoholic), this resonated with me. Have a virtual hug
When I read this, I though of a game I play called ROBLOX. On there, there is a game called The Mad Murderer. Two of the characters are named Gordon and Jack. (I know you're talking about beer and stuff but still
) Gordon is like some robot, and Jack has no shirt, an afro, and a hairy chest XD I would review this for real, but everyone got all the nitpicks already. Meh, now you know about hairy-chested Jack XD
I...I have no words... -likes, checks to make sure I'm following you- You're amazing. -slowly claps-
Hey there! So first things first, I really really enjoyed this poem. I love the comparisons you make. They are simply breathtaking. Okay, now that I've said that, I can move on to the review-y things.
Review-y Things
Personally, I don't like using the same word in a line because it sounds clunky to my ears so I would consider removing one of the hard's or changing it to a different word.
This line feels too wordy for me and I think you can say the same line in a more elegant way. Maybe "The ice breaks my teeth/ and slurs my words when I speak"
I think you meant fight not fights. Also there should be a comma at the end of this line.
This line also reads a little clunky, too. Maybe it should read "I am not the life of the party"
I like Harry Potter as much as the next person and I get your comparison here, but I think it takes away from realistic nature of the poem. I feel like the speaker is having a real talk with the audience but then you sorta break the flow with a fantasy reference. A trick I use is to delete the lines, re-read the poem, and if it still achieves the same meaning, than those lines aren't worth keeping. This also helps keep poems from getting too long.
I think you should start a new stanza with the line "I am not an alcoholic". Your second stanza is really long compared to your first and third one so splitting up the second one would help the poem flow better.
You have both present and future tense in this line. It should be one or the other and I think you meant to use future.
I think you should end this line in a question mark.
Aside from the grammar and punctuation, these are just my suggestions. Overall, your poem has many nice parts.
Nice Parts
I'm just gonna quote all my favorite lines that should go down in literary history as genius.
The last one is my favorite. Your poem feels so real like a genuine person is saying this and I believe them. Great imagery and flow. Honestly, one of the best things I've read on YWS.
Keep it up!
Hello, retro!
I'm not a fan of how specific you get here. I don't know why, but perhaps you should make it a little more general. I'm sure Gordon and Jack are not the only people you've kissed at a party.I really like what you're saying. I also have experienced this. I do not know if I am an introvert, but I do have social anxiety, and I have self medicated with alcohol in the past.
That being said, there are a few things I think can be improved.
These lines feel a little clunky. Try this: "The ice breaks my teeth,
causing slurred words when I speak."
Uh, I am not sure what you are trying to say here. Is "scars" the verb for the second clause?
I LOVE THIS LINE.
This makes it feel like the narrator is a little stuck up. I get the feeling that they're proud that they're the quiet ONE, you know? I would like to see it more simply put as "I am quiet."
Take this out because you describe it perfectly in the three preceding lines. This section becomes redundant, and plus, the HP line feels really out of place.
I think you should clarify whether this bottle is physical or metaphorical. Perhaps say "wine" in front of it so people aren't like, "what does the bottle represent?"
This line is a little clunky, too. I would bring it into a more active voice. Perhaps say "I fold over my book corner as I talk with friends."
I don't see how the weight of a wine bottle has anything to do with confidence. Perhaps expand on this a little, as there seems to be a track of logic I'm not finding.
The last line feels tacked on, especially because there isn't a "you" until the last line. Introduce this other person earlier in the poem, or make it about self medicating and not romance.
I hope this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Thanks for the review! Jack and Gordon are references to alcohol (jac Daniels and Gordon gin) and my style is because it's a slam poem so it's just said like that haha
And pounds is the currency in the uk
OH
I had no idea what Gordon was, so it threw me off.
And the pounds thing... I'm embarrassed now hhahahahhaha
I still stand with the phrasing, though. I've heard some very eloquent slam poems.
It is all very good but the line where Harry Potter comes in throws off the vibe. Im a fan too but for this writing a different analogy is needed since you dont use any other references to the Potter books before or after that. If you want to keep the line use Butterbeer instead of Gordon or JackXD
The last line is a nice twist to explain why the narrator makes his/ her argument for not being a drunk.
My favorite line is "They say you cannot buy confidence, But a bottle of wine is only four pounds so its the same."