Young Writers Society

Love this!!!

HA! I laughed through all of this. Too much to relate with, I am not OK.

Hello! First off, thank you for reviewing my poem. I figured I should return the favor. I loved the concept of this poem and could easily relate. I don't usually nitpick... I loved the last stanza; however, I don't know how fitting the metafictional line "And now I'm at the end of the poem". Maybe that is just my predestined destain for metafictional instances? Either way, the last stanza was by far the best.

I do have a suggestion: the poem is a bit wordy here and there, and you could cut out some words to allow it to flow a bit more. There are places in which the words compliment one another and others in which I wondered if I was reading a short story rather than a poem.

The poem is great as is but if edited a bit, could be something even better!

Best wishes,
Nessa

Hi! Just to start off, I loved this! It may seem that there are a lot of corrections but I just copied and pasted as I went along so you could find it better in the story and all my edits are in parentheses. I mostly saw a lack of commas and the word And used a lot. I hope I wasn't too comma happy, I guess I have been in the past, but I just think they're important. I really enjoyed this and I hope you write more. Gonna follow you now cause you're cool.
Anyway! Here it goes
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"When you broke up with me(,) I watched every episode of NCIS."

"Then(,) I wanted you back.
So(,) I watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy."

"Then, I wanted to be better.
So(,) I watched every episode of Cougar Town.
() I drank a whole bottle of wine because (the show did) <---name who does that not just the show did it."

"Then(,) I threw up the memory of you in the toilet.
Then(,) I stalked your Facebook"

"So(,) I watched every episode of Looking.
(I) (realized) the gay community can hurt,(hurt doesn't sound right, maybe brutal?)
Or (it can) be magical,
And that my small English town was (in) no way (as) glorious San Francisco.
It also made me realise I hated (myself,
(A) (d)ark loathing in the pit of my stomach
Turning (my) envy against (myself).

"So(,) then I watched every episode of Gavin and Stacey." Why did you decide to watch Gavin and Stacey (I ADORE THAT SHOW!)

"I laughed until I cried at those Welsh-crossed lovers(.)
Then(,) I cried because I had no lover,"

The following stanza I feel on an emotional and spiritual level.

"So(,) then(,) I rewatched every episode of Doctor Who.
()I (just) need to believe in something bigger than (myself),
Bigger than my life inside the shell of a nut.
But then(,) I watched Doomsday…
And the Angels take Manhattan….
And realised it was a terrible idea so cried myself to sleep for a few days. (Same.)

"Then(,) I picked myself up and watched all the Harry Potter films.
Whilst drinking a bottle of Gin(,)
() I passed out before Cedric Diggory died
and I was surprisingly okay with that."

"Then(,) I started to watch Vampire Diaries(,)
But (I) drank two bottles of wine (within) the first episode
So I don’t really remember what happened.
But my best friend Anna recommended it(,) so told her I loved it.
() (T)hen (I) poured myself another glass of red to help me get through the night.
Then Vampires came into my dreams and got drunk off my blood.
When I woke (up,) I checked your facebook again.

"Then(,) I watched all the Saw films.

"But then(,) I watched About Time because it was our favourite film.
() I skipped the scene you didn’t like(.)
Then(,) (I) watched it four times because I felt stupid(,)
And my mother refuses to buy any more wine.
So I cried myself to sleep.
Then(,) (I) watched Cedric Diggory die and I felt better.

"Or there was nothing else to watch(.)"

"Then(,) I started this poem."

"() (T)hen(,) I really remembered you." You want that comma to be heavy. Make it seem important by making it bold or making then in all caps or bold or underline. "Really" should be italazised. You can work with it to stress how you really remember what he was. Not the character you built up in your head but the person. You have to stress you thought of all the things he was and wasn't and he wasn't the character you built up. THIS is an important sentence.

"So(,) I swill it around my mouth a while." I don't know if you mean swish when you say swill but I have never heard that word in my life. It may just maybe English lingo I'm not familiar with.
"( ) Now(,) I’m at the end of (my) poem." It's not just the poem it's YOUR poem! You wrote your tale, your journey. It was an epic narratative. Own it.

This was splendid I LOVED IT.

This was deeply gratifying, thank you so much!

I really liked this its relatable. I liked it because it was accurate with how people get over there ex so great job! P.s may join the speaker for a glass of wine

Not really my cup of tea in topic or anything, but that's okay! However, I did have a big problem: there is very little that is actually emotionally engaging in the first bit of the poem. We know nothing about this ex, he's just this paper-thing concept that you've kind of thrown at us while circulating through different tv shows. If you want this poem to be effective, or engaging, even, you need to create a sense of personal understanding or involvement. We need to understand why you are in pain, why are you attached, etc. I wouldn't be super heavy-handed with it, but some idea of who you are or who he is would go a long way to making this poem better. A lot of this seems to just be, "then I wanted you, but then I didn't, but then I actually did, but then I didn't." This isn't engaging. A previous reviewer mentioned the fact that the monotony of the structure and everything reflects that of tv show binge watching, and it does, but not in an interesting or fresh way. It's just back and forth, and not very engaging. You have some nice lines in here, so that's cool, but definitely take a look at how you can make this feel more human-like and intimate. Right now, we don't get anything about your actual relationship until the very end.

Good luck.

Hello Roma here,

Wow what a job well done, honesty that was really a good read. I usually don't read poems on here but I'm glad I read this. It is so relatable which makes it so great. We all been in situations like this and I feel like you were able to capture a good amount of those emotions. I like how you show that its taken its toll on you and you feel low and by the end you have brought yourself back up, which is hard for a lot of people to do. With that being said I favorite part is the ending.

"And then I really remembered you.

You wouldn’t embrace me passionately against the cold metallic walls of an elevator.

You wouldn’t look at me the way Hermionie looks at Ron.

You had no sense of humour like Ellie,

And had no interests like DiNozzo.

And the taste of wine tasted so much better than your kisses,

So I swill it around my mouth a while.

And now I’m at the end of the poem.

Now I’m okay.

Sincerely,

Your Ex."

This is great it shows that you are okay and that you realize that your ex wasn't that great compared and that your okay with out him. So overall good job well done.

That is awesome. I can relate. My favorite is the beginning part though:
To my Ex boyfriend

When you broke up with me I watched every episode of NCIS.

I wanted to know how to kill you.

I made endless lists of ways to murder you,

Without getting caught.

I knew every forensic test,

Every poison, potion or pistol which would do the job.

I wanted you gone.

.

Then I wanted you back.

So I watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

Meredith and McDreamy were a match made in heaven;

E.R. glances and elevator kisses.

I was trying to learn how to stitch up my heart.

That was great, and the way you related and brought up all the feelings shown from all the shows that were mentioned. Sometimes I watch Harry Potter, so I zone out and forget the bad things, until someone dies, and then I cry about that! That is awesome, and I love it! I also love when you get around here:
Then I wanted to be better.

So I watched every episode of Cougar Town.

And I drank a whole bottle of wine because the show did

And I felt better.

Then I threw up the memory of you in the toilet.

Then I stalked your facebook;

You left a breadcrumb trail of likes and photos to your new man.

You had moved on.

and then how you go there again, when you say that you check his Facebook again! wWe are all quirky, and we all can about relate to all the shows! I do the same thing with TV, and then I pity my self and listen to sad Taylor Swift songs! I know, funny, but we all have these days! Thanks for writing this! It made my day, and I really enjoyed it! Please keep writing this stuff!

I think we are TV soul mates.
Seriously.
In addition, I've fallen in love with every single one of your poems that I've read. You have a way of relating to people's experiences, and I applaud you for that. You are a talented poet! I would love to sit with you and talk poetry one day.

The only line of this poem I didn't like was:
"But my best friend Anna recommended it so told her I loved it."
It was just too wordy and disrupted your flow.

I can 100% relate to everything you have written here. It's rough and raw and full of emotion yet apathy at the same time. Ah, just so perfect.

Stop writing these pieces that are applicable to my life! It's forcing me to think about my feelings xD

Keep writing and I'll keep reviewing,

- Doc

P.S. MerDer forever! Even my avvie agrees

I am absolutely obsessed with your poems! Ahhh, I love it c:

Hello, Valerie here to review!
So I really loved this piece because I can just feel some of the emotion and I can tell this is really personal because of the emotions portrayed in this poem. I love this poem because it truly captures how one might feel when losing someone he or she really loved. The references to multiple shows and movies really contrasted with your ideas and it was something I've never seen before in a poem so it is really unique. I can tell you're very good at portraying your emotions, you're sad then you're laughing the next and then back to crying, this is the result of watching endless entertainment with different themes and the emotions connected with it. This is truly brilliant and I really enjoyed it.

Keep writing!

Honest and forthright, personal but not overbearing. I really enjoyed it, the diction seems deliberately monotonous, which inculcates a feeling not unlike that which watching endless tv in a melancholy state does.
Witty as well!
Cool.