I had a dream
I went outside
And collected all the stars.
I brought them home
And locked them up
In small clear glass jars.
I lined them up
Around my house
For everyone to see.
And when it was dark,
They glowed so bright
And danced so daintily.
Then one day
I went outside
And looked up in the night.
There was nothing,
Just dark blue
And clear starless sky.
So I went inside.
picked them up
And took them to the yard.
I set them down
And unscrewed the lid
On all those little jars.
From the rim
Those stars went up
And soared towards the sky.
They hit the ceiling
With a pop
And shone far and wide.
I looked up
Saw them all
Shining all so bright.
Then I went back inside,
To my house
Now devoid of light.
But every night
I see those stars
Lighting up the sky.
Even though,
Late at night
In the darkness I lie.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. I would first like to begin by saying this poem is amazingly well-written and holds a message within the words of this poem (I think). Plus this reminds me of a dream i had once too.
A few nitpickings:
In the darkness I lie Change to In the darkness , I lie. Also change -lie to -lay (jst a thought, but you don't have to do it.)
And took them to the yard Maybe change -took, to -carried since it sounds more descriptive (in a sense).
picked them up Since we have no idea who -them might be, maybe change -them to -picked the stars up or something similar to that.
Also i believe that most poems have some good part like this one. I like the internal rhyme that is in the poem which could create a beat like a drumbeat or a heartbeat. Also the imagery in this poem is amazing since you can see the starless night or the stars going into the sky, shining brightly as ever.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Hey there, Scarlet here to review!
I thought this was a beautiful poem that told a story.
I do have a few nitpicks though:
-I think you could've shortened the poem by making the lines longer.
Example:
In my opinion It could be lengthened this way also the 'A' in and shouldn't be capitalized unless it's the beginning of a sentence or a name, date, place or it's the letter I. Here's something that lists some things that may help you: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=151&t=98770#p1161530
Here's my version of that sentence:
Example:
And locked them up I don't think you can start a sentence with 'and'
I lined them up
Around my house 'A' in around shouldn't be capitalized
For everyone to see. F shouldn't be capitalized
Basically the same problem echoes throughout the poem. Other than that I really liked the story told In this poem.
Great Job!
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lebqr8uvzY1qadvd4.gif
With love, Scarlet; Scout in Cabin Sycamore
Am I the only one who thought this would be about racism? #MLKJ I have a dream speech anyone?
Sorry, besides that, I thought this was good. Nitpicks:
In small clear glass jars.
Comma between small and clear (two adjectives in a row)
Sky and night don't really rhyme, so maybe try to find something better for that.
Neither do jars and yard.
Wide and sky.....hmmm...
Content:
I thought this was really well written, with a great concept. It's sweet, how the narrator gives back the stars for others to see instead of keeping them for him/herself to light up their own life. I really liked how you told it.
However, some parts get a bit repetitive. You repeat the sky a lot, which is kind of inevitable, but it just started to drag for me at some parts.
Really, though, I would by lying if I didn't say I loved this poem. I totally understand why it's featured.
Overall rating: 8.5/10
+1
I don't know enough about poems to write a review on the technical stuff. But you did really well!
The flow and beat is perfect. It's fantasy but sensible. Simple, elegant, sweet. It has a storyline, and a morale. It's very nice!! You did really good on the whole thing in general and I'll be following you so that I don't miss anything!!
9.2/10
I loved this poem! I love the imagery that you used - it was really great to help with the details. It was so simple and a great little thing too read. Okay that came out weird, but whatever, its the truth. I didm't really find anything that you need to fix. Only thing was that I was a little confused on the whole some sentences had comma's, and yet some didn't.. That's really all I have to say, I guess.
Great poem retrodisco66!
Your imagery and word choice was spot on. You had a few grammatical errors though which is fine since no piece is perfect. I'm just going to correct them if you feel different feel free to chat me.
I believe the narrator meant to put a comma instead of a period and the second line you didn't capitalize the first letter which you did for every other line.
In the very first line of the poem you said
I think it should be
The narrator also forgot to add some commas in some places.
The narrator should add a comma after the word blue.
I believe the narrator should add a comma after the word stars.
There are also some more but I'll leave those be for now. All and all great poem and I hope to read more from more from you in the future.
Hi..
When I started reading this I noticed it wasn't in the same vein as most of the other works I have read by you. The language was very basic and didn't sound at all like you'd written it XD
However, as it went on, it did begin to sound a lot more like you.
And then it didn't again XD
I am really confused by this work. I mean, it's not badly written, it's just really really simplistic. You have completely baffled me. I do not know what to say about it. At all.
Just... whoa. XD