Yesterday I found a box,
small and silver on my shelf.
It was covered in a thick dust,
and the combination I did not know.
I took it down from it's place
and held it in my hand.
Inside the box I felt some heat
and a pulse across my palm,
I also thought I heard a noise;
maybe more of a sound.
It was a stifled beat I heard.
Upon this shelf also sits
nit knacks from my past.
A crumpled note, a sweet love song,
and an old faded photograph.
I figured out the code for the box;
it was obvious to find.
The code for the metal block
was the day you left my life.
Inside the box I took a peek
like I'm sure Pandora did.
I saw a small slither of red,
appearing from under the lid.
My heart was there,
pure and full; it was not missing a piece.
My love for you was not found
so my heart, it could not weep.
You left my life,
this is true.
You didn't have a care,
so when I tore open this silver box
I didn't expect my heart to be there.
So now by my bed side,
where your picture used to be.
No sits a small metal box
This missing piece of me.
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140,591 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
Wow, retro! You continue to impress me with your beautiful poetry. Once again, I shall begin with my nitpicks and progress to my "Omg" phase.
"and the combination I did not know." --> I would change this to "and I didn't know the combination". the way it sounds right now is just a little too formal, imo.
"nit knacks from my past." --> I think you meant knick knacks
"The code for the metal block / was the day you left my life." --> I would just say, "it was the day you left my life." because the reader already knows you're talking about the code - no need to repeat it!
I love the reference to Pandora's box - it's perfect!
"So now by my bed side," --> I think bedside is one word
"No sits a small metal box" --> *Now.... Also, I would add a dash at the end of this line to allow it to lead into the final line of the poem (which is quite powerful) with more ease.
Overall, retro, I love what I'm reading so far! I'm able to emotionally connect to all of your work, and it moves me in a spectacular way. I will say this again, you are a very talented poet!
Hey Retro,
This was really great to read. It was sweet and emotional but not sickenly so. It was well written and I could only find two spelling mistakes but one had been brought to your attention already,
Anger
This was one of the best poems I have read, no exaggeration.
I also got rather confused when you switched styles, but thats ok,
over all it was written very well. But I had the urge to point out that
above you spelt "knick knacks" wrong. Anyways, great job! (:
-KAT
Thank you for the comment.
Well. I must say, this poem is rather well written. However, you went from freeform to rhyming, which is the biggest pet peeve I've ever had. You had a fairly weak beginning, and I thought about leaving the page. But I decided to keep going, and it just got stronger and stronger. Your ending was phenominal. It made me want to...to...do...something, I guess. It made me want to do something, you know? Anyway, kudos! Loved it! **likes**
Kim