I saw you upon the stage.
Bare brick walls
and unvarnished wood
made the perfect back drop
for your shabby-chic exterior.
With threadbare fingerless gloves,
over sized grey pea coat, you
looked the part up there.
The tips of your fingers
had yellowed from those
cigarettes you kissed
with such passion
that you were left smoking;
oh how I was jealous of those
long slender sticks you caressed.
You held the guitar so
loosely in your hands that it
looked like another limb which
you just used,
an extension on your perfection
with a sunburst charm,
this limb was beautiful.
When you ran your fingers
across those coarse metal strings
my heart wept with those folk
notes which bled through the room.
You sung of suicide blondes
and men with no morals,
the devil's right hand man
and the woman with no head
but every word was a ballad
to my already swole heart.
That muscle grew with
every note you played,
and when you said your
name in those sultry Irish tones
it burst into a mess of blood,
my entrails wide for viewing;
though I was sure you would
make them sound so beautiful.
And make another girl fall for you.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello there mate!! I like your lovely little poem. It's really cute and sweet, and very descriptive. However, I am a bit confused at the end when it says ," and make another girl fall for you."
I don't know if you are talking as a girl or referring to the possibility that the girl is a lesbian... Awkward subject, I know. But seriously I'm super confused!!!
Other than that, it sounds really awesome, so keep up the good work!! Can't wait to read more of your stuff!!!
Hello! Tyler here to review!
Okay so I like your poem, it's well written and flows nicely! Sometimes you have to do something you don't want to. Some people need to be told that if your in love with them then tell them they deserve to know. Okay, so these are just my suggestions, but remember this is YOUR poem. Do whatever the flapjacks you want with it! Haha, okay! Bye!
Keep writing,
~Tyler Roberson
Hey Tyler! I've deleted the duplicate review of this. However, I only marked one as a review, so the one that wasn't marked as a review was deleted. Make sure you always check "yes" when reviewing.
Hey there, Retro!
I liked the idea of focusing on one moment of a person in ACTION, not just their looks or the speaker's thoughts about how cool they are, but showing that person in action to try to communicate the awesomeness and loveliness about them. That's a nice, fresh instinct.
Here are some suggestions on how I think you might make this poem better:
Okay. To me this section feels like you've written prose and broken it up into different lines, and it feels too straightforward and clunky for poetry. With poetry, you don't really need all the grammatical pieces of a sentence, I think, and especially not when you're trying to work toward a flow, toward emotionally describing something rather than objectively doing so. I recommend tweaking your sentences so the important info gets across without getting bogged down in "I have to make this sentence correct". For example:
Bare brick walls,
unvarnished wood,
and you shabby chic in front.
Threadbare,
fingerless gloves and
an oversized pea coat:
you play the part.
See how by taking out the grammatical sentence structure we can cut away filler words and get right to the feeling of the images? Get us absorbing as much of the message you're relaying with as little filler as possible. Purify! Haha.
I thought you could refine the section about the guitar being a limb, because the way that a guitar is held doesn't really make it look like a separate limb, does it? I didn't understand how to reconcile that image with my reality.
I thought instead of summaries of the topics of the songs, you might draw out powerful details or images from those songs that made them so awe-inspiring, so we might get to feel that awe, too, instead of just be vaguely told about it.
Lastly, I didn't really understand the end. What would he be backing sound so beautiful? The entrails? And where did the idea of "another girl" falling for him come from? Is this a poem about love, but it doesn't matter anyway because they are a public figure? That idea comes out of left field and only RIGHT at the end of the poem, where we first started reading thinking this was just a pure celebration of a person. Maybe it's just me: I don't like twist endings. Could you seed more hints of this in the front end of the poem?
I hope these suggestions and comments are helpful for you!
If you have any questions or comments about my review, feel free to PM or leave a reply here.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah