My skin is torn,
salt in my pores,
sun tinted red,
vision is gone.
The vulture they follow,
waiting for me to drop,
to tear away the flesh,
and leave me to rot.
My feet find the rocks,
and I stumble then trip,
the sky shifted over,
the ground was now a cliff.
I crawled and crawled,
up the fallen path,
but the vultures they follow,
they mock and they laugh.
My energy goes,
I find no more rocks,
the vultures close in,
but I have already gone.
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140,164 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi,
I really liked your poem because it really painted a vivid picture along with a gripping end, the reader realises that the Vultures have attacked and it really sends chills down my spine.
Hiya Retrodisco666! I agree with JasmineHart on most points. Your lack of consistent tense is definitely the main problem in this poem.
You use the word "my" in the first two lines here, but lack it in the fourth line. I like "sun tinted red," but I recommend deciding whether or not you will use the word "my" throughout the poem, and being consistent in your decision.
If you want the present tense, as in the first stanza, then the sky shifts over -- it never shifted over, see?
I like the ending to this poem. You seem to understand that you don't need too much description to get the point across effectively. You painted an intricate scene without getting too word -- something I am absolutely preposterous at. Nice work!
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
This is an interesting subject and the imagery works well. The simplicity of the tone really accentuates the horror of the events.
For the most part, the sound of the piece is very effective, for example, in the first two lines. I'd take another look at "pores" and "gone." For the rest of the poem, you have a great slant-rhyme pattern which works really nicely, but here it's not quite slant rhyme. I'd repeat the sound of either the 'o' in 'pores' or the 'o' in'gone', or else try a different word in the second line and find a new slant rhyme for it.
I'd also change "The vulture they follow" to "The vultures follow", as it sounds less archaic.
You switch a lot between past and present tense, for example in the fourth stanza. I'd choose one and then edit this so that you remain in the same tense.
Hope this helps,
Jas