Your late night, slightly
drunken ramblings
made me laugh so much.
The way you question the
darkness within my room,
as if it was a foreign body
planted in your mind.
Though we laid,
at the point, inches apart
in that sanguine bedroom,
your laugh made it appear
so much brighter.
.
To the boy who slept in my bed last night.
You are the most fidgety person I
have ever met in my life.
You tossed and turned
like an old wooden boat
lapping against the waves
as the tides return home for the evening.
You also mutter.
You said the word no eight times.
You muttered the word jam.
Words i'm not sure were related
but I loved picturing the scenarios
where they were.
You also said my name.
As my eyes grew heavy and my eyelids
drew shut like velvet curtains
at a show I heard it leave your lips.
"Ross." A barely audiable whisper
that someone screamed like the whistle
of a red steam train sprinting down
the track at 250 miles per hour.
I was wide awake after this.
.
For an hour or so I watched your sleep
in a hope you would say it again.
Your eyes flittered back and forth behind
your pale translucent eyelids.
You scrunched up your face so tight
almost as though you were
scared of a blast that would never come.
You did not say my name again,
instead you said "I love you."
That same red screaming train
whistle screeched so loud but it
turns out I was tied to the tracks
and it hit me and exposed me
and the human essence I am.
.
To Daniel, the boy who slept in my bed last night.
This morning when you asked how I
slept I told you great.
When asked if anything interesting happened,
I said no.
We kissed and went out for breakfast,
but everything you said was drowned out
by the "I love you" scream
of the soaring red train,
and the knowledge that I
wanted to say it back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Ohh, nicely done!
The words, the imagery, the feels!
One question: Why sanguine bedroom? I just found that particular choice of words jarring.
Perhaps you meant 'Lay'? since the former would be more appropriate for objects.
Perhaps you can substitute sprinting for something less humane? Eg, barreling?
This wins!
Okay, done.
Wonderful read, I'm going off now to feel some feels.
Thank you!
Hi! Here to review on behalf of READ ALL OVER. So, I don't really review poetry, so forgive me if this is bad:/ Ok, first off, I love your idea. It's very touching and emotional. Your examples are superb; they give us vivid pictures of what you're describing. And your choice of words! Amazing! We know exactly what you're saying, and you don't get caught up in being wordy. I love it. There is one thing I don't like though. I know it's minor, but your rhythm is just off a little. It's not a huge thing, since this is free verse, but it could definitely use some improvement! I really have no other complaints. This is a great piece!
Sincerely, Knight Celestia
Hello CesareBorgia here for a review.
Happy Review Day!
I liked this poem. It's really good and emotional. You've written so much poetry, and every loves your works. You're always on the spotlight!
I would change mind to entity. It sounds more poetic.
A comma between loud, and but.
And last but not least...
I love how you kind of bring back the title of the poem. It reminds me why I am reading the poem.
CesareBorgia,
here for a review
This is wow. I just can't even begin to explain to you how wonderful this piece of writing is. With every word you write I can feel the emotion you're trying to convey. I feel what the narrator is feeling and it's almost as if I'm the one who's bed the boy slept in. I feel like this piece of writing let's the reader know that much about it's characters. I'm new so I can't really claim to know how to review and I simply couldn't find a way to nit pick this which, from the reviews I've gotten so far, seems to be necessary in writing a review. Just I thought you should know that I find this writing piece absolutely incredible.