Moon ridden skies
flow in the reflection
from the water.
We gaze into the depths,
but not seeing past
our appearance on the service.
After a while,
she's crying.
Tears staining his face.
I wished I could hold
him and tell him it's fine;
then I'd be lying.
"You said I was perfect."
I tried to touch him
but I couldn't.
My fingers tried to trace
his face, his shoulder
where my head once laid.
"I love you Luke."
He couldn't forget,
he couldn't forget.
"I love Jake."
He didn't hear my reply.
I looked on hoping
and waiting he'd see me.
Notice me, find me.
He closed his eyes tight
and laid against the
cold night earth.
I went next to him,
and laid how we would
have months ago.
"Why did you have to die?"
I looked at him
with a familiar sense of longing.
"Find me Luke," he whispered.
I slowly leant over and
tried to kiss him.
His eyes opened and he
looked up at the real moon.
"Just talk to me."
"You're perfect,
I love you and
i'm sorry."
He stood and walked
away from the bank we
would lay by,
and left me to my afterlife.
Without him.
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137,518 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello! I liked this poem - just a couple of things for you to watch.
Watch capitalization, and watch your commas. You have some that aren't needed in some places, or other places that do need a comma. Try reading the poem out loud, see how it is. Feel it out.
Another point - you start out in the present tense and then switch to past. Figure out what tense you would like to stay in, and then stick with it. Don't change your tense. If you started in present tense, then I suggest you continue through the rest of the poem with present.
Just do a read through, it's wonderful and I love it, but just double check everything in it!
It was good but a little confusing.
We gaze into the depths,
but not seeing past
our appearance on the service. ~ here I think you meant to say "surface" rather than "service"
"I love you Luke."
He couldn't forget,
he couldn't forget.
"I love Jake."
He didn't hear my reply. ~it looks as if you meant to say "I love you Jake." rather than "I love Jake."
Great Imagery. A lot of times I have seen that said, but here, it was extraordinary. I read it, but I don't remember the words. I remember the "visions in my head." That makes it a lot more powerful to me.
Surface, not Service. Right? It's poetry so grammar/word usage is always hard!
I don't know about the:
"He couldn't forget,
he couldn't forget."
Just one line. Repeating things doesn't help if you ask me. I read how it is said, that takes me out of it. It doesn't fit. If you are enjoying the read, you "edit" it in your head often. Know what I mean?
After reading this a third time, I finally got it! I think
--ShadowKnight155
Otherwise, great.