The past tense is
the brutal rupture from
the present.
That defining break
which stops something
from existing in the same way again.
The past tense is admitting that
something happened..
.
The past tense is asking
"Was this your sister?"
Now whether that is a friend
passing a photo frame
or the coroner in the morgue
those words still ring out
in the definitive past tense.
That was saying she no longer exists.
.
The past tense is getting a phone call at
3 in the morning saying your sister
was
in a car accident.
The past tense is getting to the hospital
at 11 after traveling through the early morning
to hear some doctor in a white coat tell me she
did not
make it through the night.
The past tense is hearing my mother
saying that she
was
a beautiful girl.
That she was my sister.
.
I was the one who identified the body.
Rachel. Her hair was as red
as the day she was born.
Her freckles were as wild
and frantic as ever.
Her lips were pale as
snow and I'm sure she
was just as cold to touch.
.
The past tense is the radical
break with the present.
It is the admitting that
she was beautiful.
It has been a year now
but still I can hear that phone ring.
To have to walk out into that white hall,
and break down on my knees as
she was dead.
The past tense is the radical
break with the present.
The past tense is
her funeral.
her death.
.
Her life.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
LGF here to review your poem;
Wow, another beautiful poem. You really are talented.
It was touching and bitter, and I loved how you had no idea at the start about what had happened to make you hate past tenses. It flowed really well and you used some neat imagery.
Some nitpicks;
which stops something
from existing in the same way again.
I think you can rephrase existing because as @dreamingofwonderland said, it feels awkward and clunky when you stop to read it.
her death.
This could be on purpose, but capitalize 'her'.
Overall another brilliant poem that dealt with some serious themes. You pulled it off really well with some great imagery;
LGF
I was just about on the verge of crying. This is heart touching and soul wrenching and I love it.
So many emotions! Time for a feel trip...
You are a brilliant writer, and I have loved all of your works. Never stop writing!!
No. nononononononononononononono.
*runs away from the emotions in this poem*
That is to say--it's a good one.
Alice here to review your poem! First off, let me just say, wow. This is a beautiful poem and I didn't find many corrections. I love how it explains everything so clearly. It made me sad honestly because of how detailed it is.
-
Brutual should be Brutal.
-
"That defining break
which stops something
from exisiting in the same way again. "
First, it should be existing. The wording seems awkward here because of the "in the same way again" part. The part that makes it awkward is that if something is still existing it wouldn't quite be in the past. Maybe its just me but I thought it was a little awkward.
-
In the second stanza there is the line: "in the a definitive past tense."
Either "a definitive part tense" or "the definitive past tense"
-
Stanza 5: "and break down on me knees as"
My knees
-
Finally in the last stanza, "The past tense is her funeral. her death. "
Capitalize "her" in "Her death"
Hope I helped! This is a great poem! <3
~Alice
Hi, retro.
This is a beautiful poem, and very personal, I'm sure. You are extremely talented, I see you featured nearly every day. This topic struck close to my heart, as it did to many others, because when you hear "was", all you want to do is scream and take it back when it happens to be about a loved one. The imagery was gorgeous, the topic is one that we can all relate to, but you managed to capture, and the only grammatical points I spotted were when you said "me" instead of "my" but a quick reread can fix that. It didn't take away from the experience of this one bit.
Thank you for sharing this.
Keep writing and being amazing.
~GC