[this poem was a request so I wanted to share it]
~to Jane
Between small red Wellington boots
And pill packets all around.
A sickness hung in the air,
Where my soul could be found.
.
My child I had borne,
Watched his breathe for 360 days and nights.
And from purple bruised knees,
We found our war to fight.
.
I poisoned my own child,
In medicated kisses.
His blonde hair fell through my hands,
Like shooting stars catching wishes.
.
Like the downfall of Samson,
The strength in you did leave.
For 360 more days passed,
Whilst your lungs choked and heaved.
.
Then someone's God took hold,
And you were no longer there.
My dear sweet son,
Whose cross was this to bare?
.
And all I was left with,
Was red Wellington boots and a tomb.
And the White roses that I planted,
Every spring they shall bloom.
.
I'll carry you forever,
In the shallows of my heart.
I loved you from your first breath,
Until the day I will depart.
.
There's a box in the attic,
With a pair of red Wellington boots.
And they shall be forever yours,
My dear sweet baby, Luke.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hi there! So I respectfully disagree with a few of the folks down below. I think this poem is spectacular. Yes, there are a few technical kinks that I will smooth out with you in a moment, but I think this poem definitely caused me to feel the emotions you were trying to emit. I love it!
Just a few things to consider:
My favorite thing is how you repeat "red Wellington boots." It's so endearing, sad and heartfelt.
Here's a few nitpicks, and don't take these personally
"My child I had borne,
Watched his breathe for 360 days and nights.
And from purple bruised knees,
We found our war to fight."
The second line, "Watched his breathe for 360 days and nights" does not fit with the rhythm you have already started. Perhaps change it to "after 360 days and nights," or "watched his breath for days and nights." Also, "breathe" should be "breath."
"I poisoned my own child,
In medicated kisses."
I love this line, because at first I'm thinking, man, this is taking a dark turn!!! Then, I read on and I'm thinking, ohhhh clever. Very clever.
"Then someone's God took hold,
And you were no longer there.
My dear sweet son,
Whose cross was this to bare?"
I love the whole stanza, but the last line was my favorite!
"And all I was left with,
Was red Wellington boots and a tomb.
And the White roses that I planted,
Every spring they shall bloom."
Not sure how I feel about the second line. Also, not all of the "and"'s you include are necessary. I'd cut some out. For instance:
"All I was left with,
was red Wellington boots
and a tomb. The white roses I planted,
every spring they shall bloom."
This is just a suggestion- it may take some finagling around to perfect this
Hope my review helped, and let me know if you have any questions
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon
Hi there retrodisco666! Niteowl here to review this.
Overall, I've read your poems before and normally I think they're really awesome. However, I feel like this one misses the mark. I agree with fortis that I'm not feeling the emotion I'm supposed to be feeling.
This stanza is my favorite by far as far as rhyming and imagery goes. However, it leaves me a little confused. The "bruised knee" stanza implies that what happened to this child was not the mother's fault, but this stanza implies it was. That idea is in contrast with the sweet mourning of the rest of the poem, but I'm not sure it was intentional.
This metaphor seems kind of strange. The tale of Samson and Delilah (where an adult man is repeatedly betrayed by a lover) doesn't seem connected to this at all. Also, a year is 365 days, which I understand is hard to work into a rhyming poem, but it seems odd either way.
"bare" should be "bear".
Another minor grammar thing: I agree with fortis about the excessive commas.
To end on a good note, I feel like the imagery and sentiment work together nicely in the last three stanzas. I think a less confusing beginning would make this even better. Keep writing!
Hi thank for the review!
purple bruises are a sign of lukemia, but I could have made that clearer. The poison is reference to chemo. And 360 was because it was five days before his first birthday that he was diagnosed ! Though I appreciate the feedback 
she wanted something to read at his funeral so I guess that's why I miss the mark here because everyone there already knew all this, but I shall bare that in mind 
Samson had really long hair that had been his source of power. When it was cut he didn't have the strength he had before =)
@TheSilentBagpipe I know the story, which is why I thought it made no sense. Samson lost his hair/strength because of a decision he made (to tell Delilah his secret), whereas the child in the poem didn't do anything to get sick. That's why I thought it was a weird comparison.
Thanks for the clarifications @retrodisco666!
I understand this must not have been easy to write. My grandma died of leukemia in January so I can't imagine seeing a child go through that!
Hey disco!
So the idea of this was very sweet, and I'm sure that whoever requested it is/will be happy with it as-is.
But there are a couple execution problems.
First of all: rhymes. Rhymes make so many things awkwardly phrased just so they can fit the rhyme. I really don't think you need it here. Like, I actually think even if the rhymes were perfect and didn't make anything awkward, that this poem's tone would be better suited in free verse. That is my opinion on the tone and you can take it or leave it, but I do highly suggest that you remove the rhyme because it DOES make things sound awkward. Let's take this line for example:
Your soul can be found... in the air? The sickness? But that's not even the bad part, it's the inconsistency in tense. You switch from present to past tense. That's not good. At first I thought it was just a random tense problem, but then I realized that not only is the tense wrong, it rhymes, and that's why the line doesn't make sense. Even if you fixed the tense problem, the line would still sound awkward and out of place. I find the talk about souls to be rather cliche also.
Other mistakes easily fixed:
"His blonde hair fell through my handed," Should be "hands"
"Who's cross was this to bare?" Right now it says "who is," so it should be whose.
"I loved you from your first breath,
Until the day I depart." There are a couple things you can do here. One of them is you can say "until the day I will/shall depart."
You have a couple other tense issues here. I think you should go back through and really determine what tense you want it in.
Also, you have a lot of extra commas. You don't need a comma at the end of every line. It just confuses the meaning when they shouldn't be there grammatically.
So I think you did a good job with creating the images and using symbols. I'd like to feel more emotion here. I knew from the very beginning he would die, and I felt nothing when he did. I think rhyming sometimes makes us into robots when we write, and it's hard to really express emotion.
You know, I've never thought of this really, but when people talk, like really talk to you about serious things, they don't rhyme. Rhyming is to sound happy, or alternatively really creepy. But talking seriously about death... I don't feel like rhyming has a place there.
The content here is great, but I feel you could execute some of the technical aspects better. Perhaps go through this a couple more times, yes?
Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions. I hope this helped.
~fortis
Hey
I don't usually do rhyme so thanks for the feedback. But she requested a rhyming poem for her two year old funeral so I wasn't about to say no! But thanks for the feedback 