His lips are like
the smoking barrels
of a freshly fired shotgun.
Smoking and warm,
and they burn to touch.
.
A sawed off end,
shaped for perfection,
or destruction.
They linger in the aftermath
of the shot leaving me gasping
for breath but I'm sure something
is broken.
.
When he kisses me it
is like being shot at close range.
I scrunch up my eyes
and wait for that killing blast.
It hits me square on and
blows me right open.
My entrails on display
for everyone to see;
my red heart beating
completely at his mercy.
.
'Jack' his voice lingers.
It fills the room with smoke.
He moves his hand forward,
his fingertips caress the outside
of my arm gradually climbing to
the back of my neck. He rests
he hand only for a moment
but pinprick sparks run down
the length of my spine.
His hand runs through my hair.
My wavy auburn locks
entangled with his fingers.
That's when I know it's coming,
that final blow,
that killing shot.
I gasp slightly,
I can feel him moving slowly
moving towards me.
Those shotgun lips
loaded and ready to make me fall;
fall for him.
'I love you' he whispers.
He plants his lips against mine,
those smoking lips.
The shot hit,
I felt it crash and collide
with my slim chest.
He gave me protection.
.
Thomas gave me kisses
which felt like shotgun blows.
I guess I was giving them back,
blowing holes in his heart
like he had done mine.
Those smoking barrels
filling the room to the brim with
grey vapors smelling of gunpowder;
and shrouding our kisses.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Great job! The imagery is superb.
Here are my critiques:
1. "Smoking and warm,
and they burn to touch."
Much to suggest you change "to touch" to 'to the touch'? The former seems a bit too specific, and the latter seems to fit the line better.
2. "They linger in the aftermath
of the shot leaving me gasping"
Might I suggest something along the lines of this:
"They linger in the aftermath,
the shot leaving me gasping"
The break in the sentence in the original two lines makes the pause seem a bit much. Adding a comma and taking out the "of" sounds smoother and less like a broken sentence and more like two lines that are linked.
3. "for breath but I'm sure something
is broken."
After "breath" you might want to put a comma, since conjunctions usually need punctuation.
4. "Thomas gave me kisses
which felt like shotgun blows.
I guess I was giving them back,
blowing holes in his heart"
I think you should create a break between the "blows" and "back" lines. Having a break in between would signify a new thought, and ensure the flow of the poem.
Wonderful job! Hope this review helped!
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review, as requested.
Wow. Wow wow wow. This is wonderful, truly. The analogy of someone's kisses being like shotgun blasts is a really unique and intriguing idea.
Your choice of wording was lovely. The whole piece had a very interesting and captivating vibe to it that urges the reader to keep reading. It held my interest the whole time—in fact, it really left me wanting more.
The imagery this conveys is perfect and goes fantastically with the overall story of the poem. You did a great job at conjuring images in the reader's mind. It was easy to follow along and understand, yet also had an edge of mystery to it, almost ambiguity. If that makes sense.
Everything flowed together really well. Honestly, I loved this. It was so fun to read. <3
Nitpicks:
"Blow/blows" is just a bit repetitive here.
"Towards" doesn't really work here. I'd take it out and change this part just a bit, to make it flow better. Something like:
'He moves his hand;
his fingertips caress
the outside of my arm,
gradually climbing to the back of my neck.'
Change the semicolon to a comma.
Otherwise, this was pretty much flawless. I adored it.
Well done and keep up the great work!
Thank you so much! I really appreciate this
Wow! I must admit, you had me worried for a little bit, comparing something that a lot of people find enjoyable with something that most people don't, but you pulled it off. Your description of touch and feeling are so detailed and well done. Your poem was very enjoyable to read. You obviously have a lot of talent. Well done, and keep writing!
This is a beautiful piece of work. You described the man's lips very well. When you mention that his lips are, and I quote, 'shaped for perfection, or destruction', I feel like there should be a longer pause right before you say, 'or destruction'. Other than that, your poem is perfect. It is brilliant. You used great descriptions and sucked me into the poem. I could picture his lips just how you described them. You used many great similes and metaphors. Good work and keep at it!!! This is beautiful. You are a great poet, and writer in general, and have a wonderful way of drawing your readers into your works.
FANTASTIC!