Load the gun, pull the trigger,
must be smarter, must be thinner.
Lock and load its time to go,
mascara run and bloody snow.
Tight the knot, hurry quick,
taking photos, make me sick.
Bites don't swallow, nothing sits,
Coarse rope, the new fashion hit.
Down the bottle, all in one,
no time to breathe, it's all gone.
See the flash, hate the night,
Won't I do anything right.
Hold my breath, count to ten.
Step off the bridge, now it ends.
Say goodbye to all I know,
bye mother, bye father, lost control.
The mirror changes, the crack appear,
we lost so much, so many years.
The cameras flash making day of night.
I need out of this poisonous limelight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hey retro, rhia here to review!
I'm gong to nitpick a few little things first:
"Lock and load *its* time to go,"
*it's
"mascara *run* and bloody snow."
I could be wrong on correcting this because I suppose you might be using "run" as a noun, but if it's a verb describing what mascara is doing, it should be "runs". If not, sorry!
"*Tight* the knot, hurry quick,"
*tighten
"The mirror changes, the *crack* appear,"
*should be "cracks", or you should change appear to appears if you want crack singular
Okay, done with all my editing and nitpicking. Hopefully that's actually helpful and not just pesky
I really liked the quick, rushed pace you set here. It really brought through the urgency and desperation. It is very interesting and I like this a lot.
Hi there. I couldn't help but review this amazing poem! Here's a review for you.
Firstly, WOW! This was such a cool piece built off of such an awesome idea. With the Oscars having just taken place last night and the stars on full display for all the world to see, it was really cool to read a poem like this. We've seen it happen countless times; celebrities experiencing difficulties with intrusive press and paparazzi. And while it something that definitely comes with the game and fortune, recent years have seen a shift from he belief in the inevitability of such intrusiveness to the belief that it doesn't have to be like that. Actually, I think I saw a story on the news recently where they were talking about some new law that was passed here in CA to curb the taking and publishing of photos of celebrities' children without their consent.
On another note, I really love how this poem comes from the point of view of a celebrity who's sanity has been gradually worn down by their experiences with intrusive press. Not only was it a cool way to summarize the feelings that would come with said experiences but it also adds a whole new layer to the poem which makes it even more tragic than it already is. It really is such a tragedy that the beautiful and talented can be driven to the point of suicidal tendencies by tabloids, rumors, etc. It was also awesome how you used glamorous things that characterize such fame and fortune like "mascara runs" etc. As metaphors for the narrator's descent into madness.
Now then, for the one and only issue I can point out from this poem: the lyrical diction. I like the way the poem is formatted and I think that the structure really adds a lot to the thematic tenets of this work, but it seems like there are a few places where the diction and the meter and rhythms are a little bit off. I would suggest going back and reading through this a couple times and maybe replacing some certain words or phrases order to maintain a smoother and less forced rhythm.
Other than that, this was fantastic and like I said, the idea was way cool! I think this is an issue that's very relevant to the times and is important for people to talk and think about. Good job! I hope this review helps you going forward and keep writing!