The wicked witch, so tall and fair.
Skin so pale with long blonde hair.
Stood at the bar like you didn't care.
I remember you cold ice stare.
.
Oh wicked witch! You curse me so!
Showing pearly whites like winter snow.
I was under your sorceress tricks;
another round, another fix!
.
You wicked old fiend, you poisoned me!
That's why I've lost so much memory!
How could I be so naive and foolish?
You walk around and the boys, they're drooling.
.
The power you possess witch is unrivalled, it inspired.
They flock to you, fall for you, you control their desires.
That poison you dish out, it breaks us, so controlling.
It destroys all logic, it's no ordinary potion.
.
So this Friday night if you're out on the town,
be careful of the wicked witch hanging around.
She is unmistakable, you'll see her from afar.
She is the one giving out drinks from behind the bar.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
Hello. I think I get what your saying. From what I get from this story, the "Modern Day Wicked Witch" is a hot and sexy 20 year-old chick that when you looked at her you instantly fell in love. Also she the bartender. Now that I'm writing this I'm thinking, "Caleb, Maybe it is a dream, could be an illusion, hell it could be a lot of things. But its only one.". So, can you tell me whats going on. Can it be that even the writer has no idea whats going on. I'm confused, what is really going on. It makes no sense, but I like it. It making no sense is what puts the greatness in your poem. THAT IS WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT THIS POEM! Its so confusing and I can't figure it out and it makes my head spin and spin and spin and spin and spin 'till I can't breathe. I would have to say personally that this I one of the best poems I have ever read. That sounds silly but it's true, so if anyone EVER tells you that you can't write, you blow them off! Because you should be famous. I love this poem! Every day you need to write a new poem, and someday you'll be bigger than the world! But that is just one mans opinion, so hopefully all the stuff i said made sense. Have a good night.
Sorry but I am one of the only people here who reviews tastefully. I won't lie to you so if you find it morally correct to be nice and misrepresent your feelings in your reviews then so be it. But some people find it hard to even gather the tools to get better and I try my hardest to give them to you and you call me rude and tell me I am victimizing you. No, you are victimizing everyone where all you tell them in their review is everything is good, or you have a spelling error or you should change up the flow. You are crippling their judgment and spreading misinformation. That is awfully close minded of you. I am not rude, I am objective and being objective is the best thing to be critical.
If you want to learn how to review then go here-
How to poetry review
You review was not objective at all. For it to be objective you must take yourself out of the review which you did not. You were rude and not please t which does not make a good reviewer
i Agree
Hello there!
So, as Monsters said, the term "wicked witch" is used quite often in modern times and can be considered "overdone" but after reading your poem, I think you did okay with attempting to put your own original twist on this. Instead of making her an actual witch, you simply compare her to a wicked witch, which seems to be an accurate comparison.
Let's move on to some of the nitpicks:
You forgot the r on your. Also swap "cold ice" around so it's "ice cold."
Consider changing sorceress to sorcery.
Well, she's not really old, so that adjective doesn't really work. Also, I suggest a different word other than "wicked" since you already described her as the wicked witch and this is just repetitive.
You need commas after "possess" and "witch." Also, change the comma that's already there to a semi-colon.
On the poem itself, I found the message to be rather unjustified. Blaming the bartender for the mishaps of drunken men? Am I mistaken about the overall message for this poem? Because if that's the message, then I find that rather unlikeable, especially since she isn't a wicked witch for doing her job. So no go on the message; I feel like this could do with a revise since how is it at all sensible to blame her when the customers are the ones buying the drinks?
Besides that, let's talk about the stanzas. The first one starts off well, with basic imagery and a description of the witch. A general appearance is given, so I don't see anything special about her. If you can weasel in something that would make her stand out in comparison to all of the other blonde bartenders, that would be nice.
The second stanza is good too, except for that first line, as Monsters pointed out. The third stanza and the last line makes no sense and is irrelevant to the overall focus of the poem, which is on the witch and why you consider her wicked. You consider her wicked for the alcohol she is delivering, and if these "boys" (better word would be men because underage drinking) are drooling, then they are drooling over the alcohol, not her, so make sure you make that clear.
The last two stanzas are good, so no worries there.
On your rhythm: most of the AABB rhythm stanzas were okay. Then there was the odd few that you could tell were forced, because they were phrased awkwardly and sounded weird when said aloud and just were choppy and dented the overall flow of the poem. But besides those flaws, the rest of the rhythm was strong and clear.
Overall, this was a good poem, in my opinion. You did a good job with describing the witch and the fact that she is considered a witch for being the bearer of alcohol and describing why the narrator dislikes her so. This poem had a lot of potential and delivered it successfully, and was a pleasure to read.
Thank you, iggy, for acually writing a review worth reading
okay so,
The wicked witch is unoriginal and I don't understand what you mean by 'fair?' I think tall and fair is something that can be shown and not told.
Why do you go from saying The wicked witch to 'you didn't care.' Are you talking to me or are you talking about 'the' wicked witch? It is unclear. Also stood at the bar doesn't much paint a picture, and standing at a bar like someone doesn't care can be interpreted way to differently between readers. You already lost me and you continue to loose me more and more.
your* What does a cold ice stare look like? And just because you switch words around doesn't make it any less unoriginal. It still is a copy of 'ice cold stare' but now it just sounds even more awkward in context. Besides I can tell you the phrase originated from writers saying 'they wouldn't move their face' like stink eye type of deal because it is the only thing applicable for making sense. Yet, if it were in the same context you don't explain what type of face 'the witch' is frozen into making?
This is obviously awkward and forced to make it rhyme. It is so distasteful in a writer when they do something like this. 'You curse me so' is really not how anyone talks. Someone may talk like that to literally make fun of writers who do write poems like this.
It took you way too long to even progress your story and through it all you didn't make the scenery very vivid and you just confuse the reader. Right here I have no idea whether this is some random girl at the bar or the bartender. It is way too cryptic to get anything out of it.
Do I even have to say anything here? Garbage.
Okay so your first line in this stanza makes no sense. It is like saying something random and tacking on 'it inspired.' Just what? The rest of this is literally saying the same thing over but still lacking in imagery and emotion.
_
Okay so this poem sucks, and you should really not post things like this until you have at-least spell checked it or tried on it. I want you to know, I don't try to be mean. I re-read my other review to you and I don't know what happened but it just made me angry seeing your other works that I maybe went too far but my motto is and always has been 'keep it as honest as possible'
I hope you understand
P.s. People do end sentences with so like that. Don't assume my own dialect
Maybe you should learn the difference between vindictive and mean. There is one thing to dislike a review it is another thing to outright insult them.
I'm a big boy and I can handle what you have to say, my worry is that others will not. Iggy, the above reviewer, shows an excellent example of how you should review a poem which is not particularly great, you are just, for lack of a better word, mean.
This is supposed to be a site of expression and enjoyment. Was this poem ever going to be famously published, no. Did I think it was the best poem i've ever written, god no. But that does not mean that I should not have written it.
What if someone was just starting out writing? They might not recover from that sort of vindictiveness and you've then stopped someone's medium of expression; which is frankly not okay
You don't like a poem then fine, either review tastefully and tactfully (this does not mean you cannot be critical, just not horrible) or don't review it at all. As there is no need for people to feel victimized for a poem not being good. This is YWS not a publishing house.
Monsters, "fair" means not only just or wise but sometimes means beautiful or pale. Just a sidenote