Early sunset amoungst
purple moors.
They catch alight in
the forgetting sun.
He stands and watches them,
with her naturally,
as the sun soars into
oblivion.
They are content with their situation,
with their love.
No more passion or spark,
just a mellowed flame.
They are old before their time,
but their mothers watch on with
high anticipation of bells
and the tapping of small feet.
Their fairytale ending
is coming into place.
But it is after the sunset,
we never see.
Nothing.
Nothing is what awaits them,
an eternal night of darkness.
They'll be together,
but never truly see the light.
The troubles start,
smashed plates,
and broken arms.
The sun will have set for sure.
After a while
they leave each other.
Now content with their lonlieness,
only to find themselves alone,
on the blackest of nights.
They need to stop and pause before
the sun sets.
When people age the sunsets natuarlly
and it is right, meant to be.
But they are too young,
and their world grows darker,
every second.
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Overall:
The concept of this is really interesting, and I loved the metaphor. I think that maybe you could refrain from spelling it out so much towards the end, and maybe just wrap up the metaphor instead. At the end, I kind of felt like everything was being spelled out to me, too much, and that a simpler ending that fit the analogy would have held a better conclusive tone.
The rhythm was a bit weird- short lines usually bother me, but you had an odd mix of line lengths. It was a bit stilted at times, and really relaxed at others... kind of hard to follow at points.
The word choice was nice, but I think that if you worked on the vocabulary of this piece, it could really be fantastic. As I mentioned, words like "oblivion" usually aren't my favorites in poetry, but, you are the writer, and you probably don't carry the same connotations that I do with it.
Anyways, my overall (seeing that this is an overall section): I liked this- it's interesting. I do think it could use a little bit of work, and I mostly did nitpicking, but the ending, the rhythm, and possibly the word choice could be worked on. Nice job!
-Coral-
I really love this piece and I've got a few pieces of criticism!
Firstly; please remember to capitalise the beginnings of lines! It makes the thing on whole easier to read!
Secondly;
I'm not sure about the phrase 'forgetting sun' I think it's because I'm not sure what you're trying to say by it. I just don't get what is supposed to be 'forgetting about the sun.
Next; I just think a comma should go in there.
Lastly I think you use the word just a few too many times, it gets a bit repititive.
I hope this has been helpful to you! I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Hi there!
First off, I'd like to say that I love the tone of this piece. It's dark and thoughtful, just like the twilight it describes. Also, the images in this piece are powerful. The more I read over them, the more I like them. The line breaks are well used, and the diction fits the piece. There is a proper amount of mystery, and in general, I just really like this poem. My only suggestion at the moment is to change the "sunsets" in the last stanza to "sun sets," because I think that's what you meant: the action, and not the thing.
Anyway, I really loved this poem. Thanks for sharing; it was a pleasure to read.