I am consumed.
The darkness consumes me,
I hate my shadow, nevermind
my own existance.
I cannot fathom breathing.
The thought of living make
me sick with fury.
I hate this world.
Though I hide in
the day to day existence
of placid plebicitic people,
who treat me as though I
should not exist.
I hide out there,
so I am real here.
Perhaps why so many works
contmplate their death.
Contemplate their foul existance.
Contemplate why they should not
go to the kitchen and run across their
wrists that stainless steel blade
in an attempt to oust their angusih.
Maybe it is because it is common.
I cannot not write about happiness;
Because I cannot concieve it's existence.
I applaud those who make
a happy living but I can't.
The green room is full of depression;
because this world is dark.
We write about what we know.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
I must ask... since you have such a similar title, if this is a dig?
Because... I never said don't write about you know.
Please clarify.
Ah ha... read the description properly. I think I have just answered my own question.
I disagree with Malooga. I think that any poetry is good depending on the feeling and emotion that is put into a poem. This poem is beautifully written and clearly sets across how the writer feels. I already feel as though I understand how you feel and can connect and as well admit that I share the same wonders. I think that this part is particularly powerful:
"I hate this world.
Though I hide in
the day to day existence
of placid plebicitic people,
who treat me as though I
should not exist."
I think that this is a important thing to call to attention to many who may not see that they are forcing someone to hide existence through the way they treat them. Everyone deserves to exist. But sometimes it feels impossible. Thank you for sharing this work. It is both eloquent and well assemble.
"Any poetry is good depending on feeling and emotion..." Huh? Is that not exactly what I said regurgitated? Angst is a feeling, so is happiness and confusion. It isn't hard to display the first two at all, and so they are greatly overused. That's why I am much more critical of angsty poems, especially on a site called Young Writers Society haha. This one was worthy of a read and review, that should speak to its merits more than anything. Sorry if it came across as a personal attack.
I want to preface this review by saying I do not think there is such a thing as a bad poem. A poem is just expression, and there is no wrong way to express yourself (unless it hurts other people). That being said, from a technical and poetic standpoint, this poem falls a little short.
Many of your descriptive words are repeated two or three times throughout the piece, additionally you use some descriptive words that mean very similar things in close conjunction to one another. The sentences you use are incomplete and yet you punctuate them as if they were complete. Keep this rule of thumb in mind -- if you read a line and it isn't a complete sentence, than nothing or a comma at the end. If it is a sentence, or if two lines connected would make a complete sentence, THEN you use a period.
As far as angst making a good writer (as I have seen in the posts below), yes and no. Being able to tap into all your emotions, and write technically sound makes a good writer.
Now the hard part is out of the way, I am truly sorry if this review seems a little harsh. Remember its just my personal opinion, and really doesn't mean anything in the end. Take it with a grain of salt, and know that I still enjoyed the piece.
Keep up the good work!
Hey. I attempted to use the disjointed punctuation as an extension of the mind of the reader. The short, uneven, and unfinished sentences are purposely chose so that the reader can get a insight into the broken mind of the reader; punctuation is an extension on subject matter. As for lexical choice well that's something I will perhaps edit.
Hello, thanks for expanding on my review I re-read the poem after you explained your process, I can definitely see the value in the structure you used.
Wow! Nice and vivid! And yes, the greenroom is kind of lonely. Haven't got any reviews get (just started). Is this really how you feel? If it is you could be a good writer. Ironically, then you'd be rich and not sad, and not write poetry anymore. Anyways...
Wow! Nice and vivid! And yes, the greenroom is kind of lonely. Haven't got any reviews get (just started). Is this really how you feel? If it is you could be a good writer. Ironically, then you'd be rich and not sad, and not write poetry anymore. Anyways...
Hello, retro, rhia here to review. I hope you've been having a nice day.
"make" should be "makes"
The wording of this one is a little bit disjointed, you have a lot of fractures as sentances. Perhaps try using commas and semi-colons in place of some of the periods.
Otherwise, this is very good. I loved the impressive use of both vocab and alliteration in
Though, I would have liked to see that stunning of vocab dispersed throughout the poem.
All in all, you did a very good job at responding, with your beliefs, to someone else's work. You displayed your ideas vert well, in a way that wasn't overbearing or super combative.