The Malaceth was running,
fast and wild and free.
Be careful of the Malaceth
because he hunts people like me.
He grips his pointed teeth,
and lets out a blood thirst roar.
He eats those boys and girls,
who don't hide indoors.
He searches and he searches,
desperate to stomp us out.
Be careful of the Malaceth,
he has killed before.
He marches through the forest.
His teeth glowing ruby red.
He won't stop chomping,
he won't stop stomping,
until all the gays are dead.
So beware of the Malaceth
if you leave the house today.
He is but a dangerous beast,
speading hate, violence and decay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
nice choice of vocabulary and details. great description. speading is spelled wrong. You also started 3 sentences with the same word :he. you should use other words than like and all because they are very vague. Try and also avoid using before at the end of a sentence. One of your sentances id over 15+ words average sentence length is (10.0) or 11-13 words.
You did great on not overusing words. No hidden verbs were found. No house style issues were found which is good. I likes it
nice choice of vocabulary and details. great description!!!
i rate your poem at an 8!!! its very good. my cousin and i wrote a short story. i am going to publish it on here later. when i publish it, i would really apreaciate it if you would check it out and review it. it seems long but its totally worth the read. i know im not using correct capatalizaton and punctuation and all right now but im pretty sure my story is well written. we are starting on writing a sequel to it tomorrow!!! maybe we will write a whole series!!! its about a high school zombie apocalypse.
So, hey.,
Good work on this poem., reminded me of Skyrim.,
Like Sunshine101 said though, awkward moment on 'grips his pointed teeth'.,
Rhiasofia also pointed out them obvious mistakes.,
So, nothing much to say except your weird contradiction:
yet...
So he eats boys and girls yet his target are the gays.?, funny though.,
Good job on this.,
*-rock.on.,
I like how you dialogue this poetry. I like how you gave examples of who and what Malaceth eats. Thought it doesn't sound realistic it seems realistic in the real world. Im sure if i have seen him i would be scared myself. I'm scared of many things but this could be the next on the list. Just joking. I would like to read more poetry from you. Love it. Love how you focus on just Malaceth.
Hello, rhia here to review!
Nitpicks first:
I think that thirst is meant to be "thirsty"
Here, I would just recommend finding a synonym for searches to use as the second one. That way, you have repetition of meaning, but something a little more interesting and aesthetic.
Last one,
You forgot the r in "spreading", and I feel like the "but" is slightly contradictory.
Otherwise, I love this. It reminds me of The Jabberwocky in language and style, but obviously with a much different subject. Being a supporter of gay rights and friend of many members of the LGBTQ community in a very country, very rich, conservative, very Southern Baptist high school takes a toll even on me, so this poem is great as far as personal feeling for me. We actually just managed to start up a GSA club at my school, and I'm getting hell for it, even as a white, straight girl. I hate my school, and I hate the fact that anyone has to deal with this. Thank you for writing, and sharing it!
Thanks for the review! And wish your club the best of luck, and tell them from a gay on the other side of the pond that we will always route for them even if their immediate surroundings won't!
You're welcome, and thank you! I will pass it on. I think, regardless of the bigotry of our school, it will do well, even if just by providing a safe, comfortable setting. Tons of people showed, and there has never been a more cheerful room in that school, ever.
Hey there! How are you today? Purple here to give you a review! Let's get started!
This is a fantastic piece I love the use of this monsters name how it almost has its own rhythm to itself and possibly relating it to a conservative and destructive person. Everything was great up until I got to
"Be careful of the Malaceth,
he has killed before."
It just got a little stuck here and the flow got interrupted. It would flow much better if you changed this to "for he has killed before" since it's just missing that extra beat in there.
"He marches through the forest.
His teeth glowing ruby red."
Again, the natural flow was slightly blocked. Maybe edit the period to a comma and the second line to "with teeth glowing red." Just a suggestion though.
Even though I thought I wouldn't, I like the emphasis of "he won't stop chomping" It makes the reader really notice that.
Other than my little problems, everything was great. I can't wait to read more from you. Keep up the good work and have a nice day!
~Purple
So good! Luv it!
Hi, here's a quick review!
I didn't seem to find any grammar mistakes but some lines that can be clarified.
"He grips his pointed teeth"
- I'm not so sure you can grip teeth.... Instead, you can say, maybe.... Flashes his pointed teeth. It's not the same thing but it might work...
That's actually all that I found that was bothering me.
Other than that, this was an amazing piece. I loved how you made up a name for the monster. It's a strange but scary name. I'd like to know the story behind that....
You had some great rhyming lines and you had me captivated throughout the story.
Overall,
Amazing job! It was a beautiful and simple delight to read.